Whenever I write emails, I love to glance at the ads that appear to the right of my messages.  Gmail tries to tailor the ads to the message, and some of its choices can be absolutely hilarious.  For example, a friend's message to arrange for a coffee date resulted in an ad for "Thai Wrap Around Pants." 

This morning, one ad caught my eye.  It was for Love Tactics.  Always keen to learn more about love, I clicked on the ad to check out the website.

At first glance, www.lovetactics.com looked fascinating, a multimedia spin on dating and relationships advice.  A virtual host, played by game show host Chuck Woolery, leads you through dating and advice tips.

The Love Tactics system is based on Four Behavioral Principles, among which are #2 -"People are most attracted to those who exhibit some degree of aloofness and emotional independence" and #3 – "People want what they can't have."

Once upon a time, I would have thought, "Oh, that's probably true," and kept on reading.  Now, red warning sirens went off in my brain.

This has nothing to do with love.

It has everything to do with game-playing.

I listened to one of the sample lessons on Love Tactic #37: "Create Competition."  It's the technique that every teenager has put to use: make sure that your boyfriend knows that other guys are hot on your tracks, and he'll do everything in his power to make sure that you remain his possession.

That sounds just great, I thought.  The kind of guy who'll respond best to that tactic is a naturally jealous one.

I don't want to have to think that the only reason my guy is staying with me is because he sees the competition and wants to be the one with the status of "owning" me.

I've been the trophy girlfriend before, and it was an uncomfortable experience.  I didn't know whether he was with me because he enjoyed my company or because being seen with me boosted his self-esteem.

When you play aloof and hard to get, you present yourself as a trophy to be awarded to the guy who plays the courtship game the best.  Men are naturally competitive; they love boasting about being the guy who got the girl.

But have you seen what happens to trophies after they're won?  They're lovingly polished for the first few weeks, shown to friends and family, boasted about … and ultimately they end up in a box in the closet, jumbled with other faded ribbons and medals.

I don't know about you, but I want a real, genuine man with the capacity and generosity of heart to love the real, genuine me.  The kind of man who doesn't abandon his toys once he's played with them a few weeks.  The kind of man who is over self-indulgence and competing with other boys for the prize of the prettiest girl.

I don't want the kind of guy who'll respond to Love Tactics.  I know that the tactics work … but they'll win me an immature relationship with a competitive, status-oriented man.  Huh-uh.  No thanks.

If you're a mature woman who wants real love in a respectful, nurturing relationship, please don't play games.  You don't need tactics.

What you need is to break through the mental barriers that are closing you off to love.  The barriers that say, "All men are jerks" … or "He can't possibly be interested in me" … or "Men are just after sex" … or "I don't need anyone."

Simply through learning how to live in a more loving way, you will attract men to you who have the most open, amazing, genuine hearts … and who want nothing more than to be with the real you.

That's what our 2006 Edition of How to Be Irresistible to Men (soon to be released! will keep you posted) is all about.

I don't think there's anybody who doesn't know this already, but just in case … we've just launched a fantastic 6-Part MiniCourse for Sarah's "How to Be Irresistible to Men" course!  Sarah and I have been working on the minicourse for the past month, and it reflects many of our new ideas about where the 2006 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men" will be going.  Each day introduces you to a new concept that will transform how you think about love and dating.  You can get it by signing up to the "How to Be Irresistible to Men" newsletter series at www.000relationships.com/tomen/.

I'm really excited about what Sarah and I have created.  I don't think that any program like this exists yet for women.  I've read sooo many dating and relationship books over the past year, and most of them teach one thing: how to manipulate men into falling for you.

But I don't want men to simply fall for me.  I want love!  I want REAL love, a guy who will commit to me freely, from his own heart, and work on our relationship with a genuine desire for intimacy.  I want the kind of love that long-married couples have, the kind that only arises after you've worked through conflicts and difficult times together and come out stronger.

Most of the techniques taught in popular dating books will attract men to you, that's for sure.  But once you get into a relationship with those men, you'll find that their attraction was shallow.  You have to keep your games up to keep his interest level high.

That's because his initial feelings of attraction to you isn't actually love.  It's infatuation.  And, let me tell you, it's easy to get a guy infatuated with you!

Personally, I don't want to have to keep playing games to keep a guy interested.  I want to know that when the first sign of trouble arises, when that "veil of illusion" falls and he sees all my flaws, that he's going to make the decision to stick with me and work through whatever conflicts arise.

But to get to that point, I have some work to do on myself.  I have to be the kind of woman that men naturally feel comfortable with … the kind of woman that men know won't judge them … the kind of woman who is not only fun but also makes them feel more alive, more masculine, and more at peace.

Many women will say, "Hold on a minute.  It's is the point of my life to make men's lives better.  He has to do something for me, too!"

But it's exactly that kind of thinking that sabotages relationships.  The kind of thinking that says, "I'll give you love if you give me love."

Have you ever been loved unconditionally?  If so, you know how wonderful it feels to be loved no matter what … no matter what you've done for the other person … no matter whether you've hurt them or not … you simply know that you'll be loved anyway.

If you are doing something so that you can get love back from a man … if you're treating him a certain way so that he'll treat you a certain way … then you may benefit from our 2006 "How to Be Irresistible to Men" course.  It will teach you how to let your inner light shine in such a way that men will be drawn to your radiance.  You'll learn to let go of your expectations and instead trust in the natural course of attraction.  You'll learn how your beliefs create your reality, such that simply by shifting your thinking you can transform your love life.

There's only one catch: the 2006 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men" hasn't been launched yet.  We're starting filming on it tomorrow.  We've got a fantastic guest speaker in, and I truly believe that magic is going to happen in the studio.  I'll keep you posted on its progress!

If you've already purchased the 2005 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men," then you'll get the 2006 Edition free!  That's because every purchase of "How to Be Irresistible to Men" gives you lifetime membership to our Members Area.  You can start working on the current course and be ready to take your attraction to the next level when the 2006 Edition is launched.

For now, I highly recommend that you try out the 6-Part MiniCourse.  Again, all you have to do is sign up for the free "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Email Newsletter Series at www.000relationships.com/tomen/.  I'll be excited to hear what you think!

My colleague Andrew loves Dr. Phil for his no-nonsense, get-real approach to relationships.  Friday, as I was leaving the office, I passed Andrew's desk.  My attention was caught by a book with a big red heart on the cover and a familiar smiling face.  It was Dr. Phil's Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got.

"Andrew won't notice," I thought, as I picked up the book and slipped it in my bag.  "And I need some weekend reading."

Now, to be completely up front, I am not a Dr. Phil fan.  I feel that Dr. Phil tends to make gross generalizations in his attempt to be "real" with his clients.  Personally, I prefer to empathize with people first, understand them, then encourage them towards a new perspective or way of behaving.  The shock treatment of a cold splash of reality in the face just seems, to me, unnecessarily cruel.

My personal opinion notwithstanding, I was excited to learn what Dr. Phil had to say about relationships.  So, on my commute home that night, I opened the book with anticipation.

A half hour later, I'd had enough.  I put the book down and stowed it carefully in my bag to return to Andrew on Monday.  I didn't even want to look at it again.

What happened?  It all started on page 6.

Dr. Phil tells us that dating is a game, and the only reason any of us is single is because we don't know how to play it.  Let's listen to him in his own words.

Let me start us off by telling you two things that I know for absolute, drop-dead certain.  First: if you do not have what you truly want in a relationship, then you are right, something is seriously wrong.  …[T]he problem is not you.  You are not a bad person…. (pp. 5-6)

Whew, glad we got that out of the way.  So none of us are bad people, but if we're still single (when we wish we weren't), then something is "seriously wrong."  Oh dear.  Never fear: Dr. Phil can fix us.

The second thing I know for absolute, drop-dead certain is that you are not thinking right or playing the game well; otherwise you would have what you want. (p. 6)

So the reason we're not in good relationships is because we're lousy at playing the dating game?

Yep, says Dr. Phil.  In fact, the only reason you're not married right now is because "you apparently don't know how to get in the game or play the game once you do" (p. 6).

I disagree … quite vehemently.

I'll talk about my own beliefs in a moment, but right now let me share the perspective of Dr. Barbara De Angelis.  In her wonderful book, The Real Rules, Dr. De Angelis describes an unhealthy belief that sounds suspiciously like Dr. Phil's.

The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you.  You are the hunter, and he is the prey.  Your goal is to catch him.  But THE OLD RULES say that a man won't naturally want to make a commitment to you–he doesn't want to be caught–so somehow, you have to trick him into it…. (p. 19)

In other words, to get a man, you have to play the game.

Even though Dr. Phil may not agree with the Old Rules (as described in Ellen Fein's and Sherrie Schneider's book The Rules), his language sounds suspiciously Rules-esque.  For example, we learn in Chapter 10 of Love Smart how to "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, Take 'em Home."  True hunter language.

Marriage seems to be the natural culmination of the dating cycle for Dr. Phil.  It's the happy-ever-after ending that is our reward for playing the game well.  In fact, his five-step series of goals to CLAIM what we want includes: envisioning our perfect relationship, finding the perfect person, seducing him, getting him to "want what you want long term" (p. 5), then marrying him and getting "busy being happy!" (p.5). 

Does this match Barbara De Angelis' description of the Old Rules, in which "the goal of a woman's life is to find a man and get married" (p. 11)?  Sounds like it to me.

Barbara De Angelis explains the problem with game-playing beautifully when she says:

Playing games is for women who've been convinced that they aren't intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead must memorize absurd lists of do's and don'ts….  Playing games is stupid, and you're not stupid. (p.39)

So, Dr. Phil, I won't be learning how to play the game better so that I can get the relationship that I can deserve.  Instead, I'll be taking a leaf from Barbara De Angelis' book.  I'll be focusing on learning how to become emotionally generous, being honest (with myself AND others) about my feelings, and remembering that everyone (even men) needs love and reassurance.

As for myself, I believe that the reason that most of us are not in good relationships yet is because we still have some growing and learning to do.  The time isn't yet right.  Forcing things will just hook us up with the wrong men and hold back our own personal growth and development.

This doesn't mean that you should sit back and assume that the universe will bring Mr. Right into your life (though, if you've done your spiritual homework, you've got a very good chance of this happening).  What it does mean is that instead of focusing on how you can get Mr. Right, you should be focusing on how to grow as a person: how to become more open-hearted, loving, and caring to EVERYONE you encounter.

When I focus on becoming a more open, genuine, and loving person, I know that I will naturally draw the right man into my life.  I don't have to worry about it.  I don't have to waste time envisioning, judging, or evaluating men based on my character profile of Mr. Right.  I believe in the law of the universe that states that we attract what we are.  I feel confident knowing that my ability to attract the right men into my life is proof that I am developing my character in the direction that I want to go.

Best of all, because I am not focused on getting a relationship, I have faith that the right relationship will just happen.  Have you ever noticed how the best things happen when you're not looking for them?  If you follow the advice of other dating gurus and focus all your efforts on meeting and interviewing dozens of potential mates in the attempt to find the "right" one, then judge your success on whether you can "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, [and] Take 'em Home," you're almost ensuring that you won't get the best possible relationship that the universe has in store for you.

One of my favorite songs is one by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers," in which he tells the story of meeting his high school sweetheart after many years have passed.  By this time, he is married to another woman.  Yet such is the power of first love that he can still remember how he used to pray to God every night to make this other woman his forever.

At first, it seems that he'll be tempted to reconsider his marriage vows.  Yet as they chat, he realizes that they don't have much in common any more.  He looks at his wife by his side, and such is his gratitude and appreciation for her presence in his life that he thanks God for unanswered prayers.

We don't always know what is best for us.  Sometimes the greatest tragedy is actually a blessing in disguise.  And that, I suppose, is the message that gets lost in Dr. Phil's Love Smart.  Sometimes, the smartest thing you can do with love is to simply allow it to happen as it should.

On Friday night a friend and I went out on the town.  In my city, the nightclubs and bars don't really start humming until 1am, so we waited until nearly midnight to head out.

Our taxi dropped us off on the Strip, a series of bars along the river, with outdoor seating warmed by gas torches and lit by strands of Christmas lights.  We were disappointed to see that despite the warm night, the bars weren't packed.

We chose the busiest of the bars to start the evening: the Tap Room, the bar of choice for businessmen and professionals.  The average age of patrons at the Tap Room was mid-forties.  Most were dressed in slacks and button-up shirts, as if they'd just come from work.  The women at the Tap Room were wives or girlfriends with expensive jewelry and exquisite accessories.  Everyone stood in small groups, drinking wine or glasses of rum and coke, intently focused on their own conversations.

We felt rather left out at our quiet outdoor table, so we filled the time by people-watching.

The best part about the Strip is that you can watch the parade of passers by.  On the street in front, taxis stopped, letting out pairs of beautiful women.  Groups of young men strode past, drunkenly laughing and shoving one another.  Couples paused in front of the bars, discussing whether they wanted to stop.  It was so much fun to watch this cross-section of the city on parade.

After some time, I began to notice a curious pattern.  The most beautiful women—the ones with perfectly straight blond hair, slender bodies, and gorgeous clothes—acted as if they were the stars of the show.  They tossed their hair back for the benefit of everyone watching them.  They leaned over and kissed the taxi driver for the voyeuristic young men.  They walked arm in arm with their female friends, presenting a unified front against anyone who might approach them.

My friend who was with me said, "No normal guy would even have a chance with one of those girls.  He'd get shot down!"

"But look at that girl," I said.  One girl, who looked like a model, was talking to a large, flat-faced man the size of a football player without the benefit of muscles.  Even though he was not even close to her in the looks department, she held his arm, whispered in his ear, then touched his chest flirtatiously.  "Do you think they're together?" I asked.

My companion mused, "Maybe they're just friends."

As we observed, we noticed that the guy kept glancing at the crowd around them, as did she.  Even though she was talking to him, both of them seemed more interested in watching who else was around them … and perhaps who was watching them.

The scene illustrated the fact that beautiful women don't always date handsome men.  Instead, women who are aware of the status that their beauty affords them tend to date men who are equally status-conscious.  In other words, (please forgive the language) "bitches attract jerks."

It is a strange phenomenon.  For some reason, women with aloof, stand-offish attitudes tend to be attracted to men with arrogant, cocky attitudes.  Attitude attracts attitude.

In the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss, Neil explains how any man—no matter what his looks—can date models, actresses, even strippers through a sophisticated series of techniques designed to prick through her attitude and establish his superiority.  Once a man can make a beautiful woman feel inferior, the theory goes, he has her.  She will then spend the rest of her night trying to prove herself to him and win his favor back.

As I tried to explain this to a friend, he didn't seem surprised at all.  "So?  We've always known this.  We know that if we want girls falling over us, all we have to do is be jerks.  But it's just not worth the effort."

It seems to be true, then.  Be a jerk and you'll attract women.  Be a bitch and you'll attract men.

In fact, a popular book by Sherry Argov claims just that.  Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl teaches women how acting like a bitch can actually make men fall all over them.

But for me, the question becomes … if bitches attract jerks, why in the world would you want to do it?

Acting aloof, superior, and like an actress on a movie set will definitely get men's attention.  It will get their competitive blood flowing.  They'll see you as a challenge that they want to conquer.  Play it cool, and only the cockiest, most confident men will approach you.

But as a result, all of the kind, ordinary guys watching you will feel intimidated.  Nice guys won't even step up to the plate.  The honest, genuine men who don't play games won't go to the effort of approaching you; instead, they'll focus their energy on more open, friendly girls.

So many women say, "I can't seem to meet any nice guys."  The problem in most cases is that they've memorized the thinking that tells them that they'll only be able to attract men if they dress like models, act aloof, avoid smiling or seeming too interested.  The only men that behavior attracts are men who are interested in the conquest rather than sharing their hearts.

I left town that night in a contemplative frame of mind.  What would happen, I wondered, if one of those beautiful women opened up her heart and smiled, acted friendly, chatted with everyone who spoke to her, and made everyone feel at ease?   She'd be swamped with admirers.  She wouldn't be able to get any peace, because her outer beauty would be matched by inner beauty.  Perhaps that is exactly why these women acted defensive.  They were protecting themselves from too much attention.  It is safe to have men admire you from a distance, not so safe when they keep coming up to you without a moment's rest, trying their lame pickup lines in hopes of earning your favor.

There is no easy answer to these questions.  Ultimately, each of us makes the decision about what attitude we will put on when we go out on the town.  But what we must realize is that the attitude we choose is just as important as what we decide to wear.  It will affect who approaches us … and who doesn't.