My colleague Andrew loves Dr. Phil for his no-nonsense, get-real approach to relationships. Friday, as I was leaving the office, I passed Andrew's desk. My attention was caught by a book with a big red heart on the cover and a familiar smiling face. It was Dr. Phil's Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got [1].
"Andrew won't notice," I thought, as I picked up the book and slipped it in my bag. "And I need some weekend reading."
Now, to be completely up front, I am not a Dr. Phil fan. I feel that Dr. Phil tends to make gross generalizations in his attempt to be "real" with his clients. Personally, I prefer to empathize with people first, understand them, then encourage them towards a new perspective or way of behaving. The shock treatment of a cold splash of reality in the face just seems, to me, unnecessarily cruel.
My personal opinion notwithstanding, I was excited to learn what Dr. Phil had to say about relationships. So, on my commute home that night, I opened the book with anticipation.
A half hour later, I'd had enough. I put the book down and stowed it carefully in my bag to return to Andrew on Monday. I didn't even want to look at it again.
What happened? It all started on page 6.
Dr. Phil tells us that dating is a game, and the only reason any of us is single is because we don't know how to play it. Let's listen to him in his own words.
Let me start us off by telling you two things that I know for absolute, drop-dead certain. First: if you do not have what you truly want in a relationship, then you are right, something is seriously wrong. …[T]he problem is not you. You are not a bad person…. (pp. 5-6)
Whew, glad we got that out of the way. So none of us are bad people, but if we're still single (when we wish we weren't), then something is "seriously wrong." Oh dear. Never fear: Dr. Phil can fix us.
The second thing I know for absolute, drop-dead certain is that you are not thinking right or playing the game well; otherwise you would have what you want. (p. 6)
So the reason we're not in good relationships is because we're lousy at playing the dating game?
Yep, says Dr. Phil. In fact, the only reason you're not married right now is because "you apparently don't know how to get in the game or play the game once you do" (p. 6).
I disagree … quite vehemently.
I'll talk about my own beliefs in a moment, but right now let me share the perspective of Dr. Barbara De Angelis. In her wonderful book, The Real Rules [2], Dr. De Angelis describes an unhealthy belief that sounds suspiciously like Dr. Phil's.
The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you. You are the hunter, and he is the prey. Your goal is to catch him. But THE OLD RULES say that a man won't naturally want to make a commitment to you–he doesn't want to be caught–so somehow, you have to trick him into it…. (p. 19)
In other words, to get a man, you have to play the game.
Even though Dr. Phil may not agree with the Old Rules (as described in Ellen Fein's and Sherrie Schneider's book The Rules), his language sounds suspiciously Rules-esque. For example, we learn in Chapter 10 of Love Smart how to "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, Take 'em Home." True hunter language.
Marriage seems to be the natural culmination of the dating cycle for Dr. Phil. It's the happy-ever-after ending that is our reward for playing the game well. In fact, his five-step series of goals to CLAIM what we want includes: envisioning our perfect relationship, finding the perfect person, seducing him, getting him to "want what you want long term" (p. 5), then marrying him and getting "busy being happy!" (p.5).
Does this match Barbara De Angelis' description of the Old Rules, in which "the goal of a woman's life is to find a man and get married" (p. 11)? Sounds like it to me.
Barbara De Angelis explains the problem with game-playing beautifully when she says:
Playing games is for women who've been convinced that they aren't intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead must memorize absurd lists of do's and don'ts…. Playing games is stupid, and you're not stupid. (p.39)
So, Dr. Phil, I won't be learning how to play the game better so that I can get the relationship that I can deserve. Instead, I'll be taking a leaf from Barbara De Angelis' book. I'll be focusing on learning how to become emotionally generous, being honest (with myself AND others) about my feelings, and remembering that everyone (even men) needs love and reassurance.
As for myself, I believe that the reason that most of us are not in good relationships yet is because we still have some growing and learning to do. The time isn't yet right. Forcing things will just hook us up with the wrong men and hold back our own personal growth and development.
This doesn't mean that you should sit back and assume that the universe will bring Mr. Right into your life (though, if you've done your spiritual homework, you've got a very good chance of this happening). What it does mean is that instead of focusing on how you can get Mr. Right, you should be focusing on how to grow as a person: how to become more open-hearted, loving, and caring to EVERYONE you encounter.
When I focus on becoming a more open, genuine, and loving person, I know that I will naturally draw the right man into my life. I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to waste time envisioning, judging, or evaluating men based on my character profile of Mr. Right. I believe in the law of the universe that states that we attract what we are. I feel confident knowing that my ability to attract the right men into my life is proof that I am developing my character in the direction that I want to go.
Best of all, because I am not focused on getting a relationship, I have faith that the right relationship will just happen. Have you ever noticed how the best things happen when you're not looking for them? If you follow the advice of other dating gurus and focus all your efforts on meeting and interviewing dozens of potential mates in the attempt to find the "right" one, then judge your success on whether you can "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, [and] Take 'em Home," you're almost ensuring that you won't get the best possible relationship that the universe has in store for you.
One of my favorite songs is one by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers," in which he tells the story of meeting his high school sweetheart after many years have passed. By this time, he is married to another woman. Yet such is the power of first love that he can still remember how he used to pray to God every night to make this other woman his forever.
At first, it seems that he'll be tempted to reconsider his marriage vows. Yet as they chat, he realizes that they don't have much in common any more. He looks at his wife by his side, and such is his gratitude and appreciation for her presence in his life that he thanks God for unanswered prayers.
We don't always know what is best for us. Sometimes the greatest tragedy is actually a blessing in disguise. And that, I suppose, is the message that gets lost in Dr. Phil's Love Smart. Sometimes, the smartest thing you can do with love is to simply allow it to happen as it should.