On Friday night a friend and I went out on the town. In my city, the nightclubs and bars don't really start humming until 1am, so we waited until nearly midnight to head out.
Our taxi dropped us off on the Strip, a series of bars along the river, with outdoor seating warmed by gas torches and lit by strands of Christmas lights. We were disappointed to see that despite the warm night, the bars weren't packed.
We chose the busiest of the bars to start the evening: the Tap Room, the bar of choice for businessmen and professionals. The average age of patrons at the Tap Room was mid-forties. Most were dressed in slacks and button-up shirts, as if they'd just come from work. The women at the Tap Room were wives or girlfriends with expensive jewelry and exquisite accessories. Everyone stood in small groups, drinking wine or glasses of rum and coke, intently focused on their own conversations.
We felt rather left out at our quiet outdoor table, so we filled the time by people-watching.
The best part about the Strip is that you can watch the parade of passers by. On the street in front, taxis stopped, letting out pairs of beautiful women. Groups of young men strode past, drunkenly laughing and shoving one another. Couples paused in front of the bars, discussing whether they wanted to stop. It was so much fun to watch this cross-section of the city on parade.
After some time, I began to notice a curious pattern. The most beautiful women—the ones with perfectly straight blond hair, slender bodies, and gorgeous clothes—acted as if they were the stars of the show. They tossed their hair back for the benefit of everyone watching them. They leaned over and kissed the taxi driver for the voyeuristic young men. They walked arm in arm with their female friends, presenting a unified front against anyone who might approach them.
My friend who was with me said, "No normal guy would even have a chance with one of those girls. He'd get shot down!"
"But look at that girl," I said. One girl, who looked like a model, was talking to a large, flat-faced man the size of a football player without the benefit of muscles. Even though he was not even close to her in the looks department, she held his arm, whispered in his ear, then touched his chest flirtatiously. "Do you think they're together?" I asked.
My companion mused, "Maybe they're just friends."
As we observed, we noticed that the guy kept glancing at the crowd around them, as did she. Even though she was talking to him, both of them seemed more interested in watching who else was around them … and perhaps who was watching them.
The scene illustrated the fact that beautiful women don't always date handsome men. Instead, women who are aware of the status that their beauty affords them tend to date men who are equally status-conscious. In other words, (please forgive the language) "bitches attract jerks."
It is a strange phenomenon. For some reason, women with aloof, stand-offish attitudes tend to be attracted to men with arrogant, cocky attitudes. Attitude attracts attitude.
In the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists [1] by Neil Strauss, Neil explains how any man—no matter what his looks—can date models, actresses, even strippers through a sophisticated series of techniques designed to prick through her attitude and establish his superiority. Once a man can make a beautiful woman feel inferior, the theory goes, he has her. She will then spend the rest of her night trying to prove herself to him and win his favor back.
As I tried to explain this to a friend, he didn't seem surprised at all. "So? We've always known this. We know that if we want girls falling over us, all we have to do is be jerks. But it's just not worth the effort."
It seems to be true, then. Be a jerk and you'll attract women. Be a bitch and you'll attract men.
In fact, a popular book by Sherry Argov claims just that. Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl [2] teaches women how acting like a bitch can actually make men fall all over them.
But for me, the question becomes … if bitches attract jerks, why in the world would you want to do it?
Acting aloof, superior, and like an actress on a movie set will definitely get men's attention. It will get their competitive blood flowing. They'll see you as a challenge that they want to conquer. Play it cool, and only the cockiest, most confident men will approach you.
But as a result, all of the kind, ordinary guys watching you will feel intimidated. Nice guys won't even step up to the plate. The honest, genuine men who don't play games won't go to the effort of approaching you; instead, they'll focus their energy on more open, friendly girls.
So many women say, "I can't seem to meet any nice guys." The problem in most cases is that they've memorized the thinking that tells them that they'll only be able to attract men if they dress like models, act aloof, avoid smiling or seeming too interested. The only men that behavior attracts are men who are interested in the conquest rather than sharing their hearts.
I left town that night in a contemplative frame of mind. What would happen, I wondered, if one of those beautiful women opened up her heart and smiled, acted friendly, chatted with everyone who spoke to her, and made everyone feel at ease? She'd be swamped with admirers. She wouldn't be able to get any peace, because her outer beauty would be matched by inner beauty. Perhaps that is exactly why these women acted defensive. They were protecting themselves from too much attention. It is safe to have men admire you from a distance, not so safe when they keep coming up to you without a moment's rest, trying their lame pickup lines in hopes of earning your favor.
There is no easy answer to these questions. Ultimately, each of us makes the decision about what attitude we will put on when we go out on the town. But what we must realize is that the attitude we choose is just as important as what we decide to wear. It will affect who approaches us … and who doesn't.