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Oneitis: Useful Advice from the Men’s Seduction Community

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

posted by amy

One of the crazy things I have to do in this job to keep on top of the latest dating and relationship trends is to read books written by guys on how to seduce women.

As you can imagine, it's a real eye-opener!

It's so easy to forget that as much as we want to find that perfect guy and feel hopelessly incompetent at attracting cute men, there are just as many guys out there who feel hopelessly incompetent at approaching a woman they're attracted to and asking her out.

That's why one of my biggest pieces of advice to women is be approachable!  Make it easy for guys to catch your eye, exchange smiles, and make small talk with you.  You'll discover that what you once thought was a barren landscape without a single available guy has become a sea of men ready and willing to spend time with you.

But that's not the focus of today's article.  Instead, what I want to talk about is a concept called "Oneitis."

Oneitis is a concept developed by the men's seduction community to describe "an obsession with a girl whom one is not dating; pickup artists believe that such an extreme fixation on one woman significantly lowers a man's chances of dating or sleeping with her." (The Game p.444).  That definition, by the way, comes from one of the most respected pickup artists in the world: Neil Strauss, New York Times bestselling author and journalist for Rolling Stones magazine.  His book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists is the gold standard for information about the seduction community, its history, its lingo, and its key players.

The idea is that when a man is fixed on learning seduction techniques to attract one particular girl because he worships the ground she walks on, he will inevitably fail, because she will sense his desperation-tinged adoration.  There's nothing less attractive than a man who acts like a puppy dog, following you everywhere and leaping to do whatever he thinks will please you.

Once a man realizes that he has oneitis, he can shake off his infatuation by focusing his efforts on dating other women.  Although he may kid himself at first that he is practicing flirting to hone his skills for "the One," he often finds in the process that the other women he's seeing have much to offer him.  He starts enjoying himself and feeling more comfortable interacting with women.  Soon, his preoccupation with "the One" is revealed for exactly what it is: an immature infatuation with a woman who in all likelihood isn't the best match for him.  Although he still may enjoy her company, he won't live or die based on her acceptance or rejection of him.  Strangely enough, this often triggers a turning point in their relationship: she will find him more interesting and attractive when his self-esteem is independent of her opinion of him.

Although this concept has been developed particularly for the male seduction community (see UrbanDictionary.com's definition of oneitis for a more crude description of the term), it is interesting to consider whether it has any relevance to us women.

In my last article on "Stop Him from Cheating," Kate wrote a comment where she said:

"'You deserve someone who’s into you.' – yeah great idea – but what if he is the only man you are interested in? You just dump him and move on? … I am not interested in just any guy. If he’s just not that into you I would like to know what to do so that he is into me. Chances are if he isn’t other guys aren’t into you either."

Being keenly interested in a man, to the point that you won't even look at other men because you're so certain that he's the one for you, certainly sounds like oneitis.

But doesn't labeling it as a "social disease" make a mockery of our very real feelings of attraction?  Whereas men might be able to say that the cure for being obsessed with one particular girl is sleeping with ten others, most women aren't made that way.  We usually fall in love with one man at a time.  We have the right to be interested in one particular man and want to know how to make him feel the same way … don't we?

I went to seduction expert James Brito to ask how oneitis might apply to women.  His answer was simple. 

"If you're determined to get him, worrying night and day whether you're going to lose him, and obsessing over him, HE'S NOT THE ONE!"

Having an extreme case of oneitis is in itself proof that any relationship based on such an unequal distribution of attraction will be fatally flawed.  If you like him a LOT more than he likes you, then you'll have more invested in the relationship than he will.  You may find yourself changing yourself, giving up your own interests, and allowing him to control the relationship because you don't want him to leave.  That's a recipe for disaster.

It's healthy to start out a relationship with a neutral caution.  Avoid giving into your feelings of infatuation, adoration, and love for the first few months.  Allow yourself to get to know him better.  See what it feels like to actually be together.  Ask yourself at each stage how you feel in the relationship.  Don't allow your admiration of his personal qualities to override the more important question, which is how you both interact as a couple.

Easier said than done, I know.  It's so much fun to fall head over heels for a guy.  It's so hard to step back from how wonderful he is as a person to see how wonderful or not we are as a couple.

But remember your goal in the first stages of dating: it's to evaluate your relationship potential.  It's not to confess your undying love.  Leave that for once you're already in an established relationship moving towards greater intimacy and commitment.

And that, I think, is the sound principle behind the concept of oneitis.  The purpose of dating isn't to find the "perfect" man; it's to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship. 

17 Comments

Comment by Allison

October 4, 2006 @ 2:22 am

I wish that I had read this e-mail a month ago. But what's more is that the guy I was in a relationship with tried to sneak out of it by trying to make me break up with him. After a week of being ignored, the second I refused his eventual phone call he runs with it as "you broke up with me when you wouldn't take my call". I wanted to marry him and have his children, and he wanted to get the hell away from me and have it be my fault. I see now how the imbalance of feelings was my fault but I certainly did not break up with him…he ran far and fast away from me and wants me to be the guilty one. It's retarded and makes me want to avoid all possible future relationships-I can't trust myself not to fall head over heals, and I can't trust a man not to be a typical man. What do I do?

Comment by iris

October 4, 2006 @ 2:24 am

this is so true…

before i was experiencing “oneitis” for this particular guy for 2 years but then when i slowly got to know him, i was so shocked to find out that he wasn’t what i was adoring in my mind. i mean… he’s just another totally different person.

now, we have mutual feelings for each other but we’re taking it slow to know each other first.

Comment by Jennifer

October 4, 2006 @ 2:25 am

Dear Amy,

I like this article and it makes so much sense and reminds me of a book I just read called “The Technique of a Love Affair”. They mention that a women should have several men that adore them, even when you have a favorite. It helps to keep a perspective on your feelings. I think that sleeping with a man too soon can give a women a polyanna view of the relationship. That is why it is so wise to wait. A combination of not having sex too soon and having other men around that want to court you can really help keep ones witts about them. I agree with you that keeping an objective view of the relationship is the key to success. Thanks for all your letters.

Jennifer

Comment by Jane

October 4, 2006 @ 2:41 am

Hi I just read this article and found it to be interesting.My husband says I want to be exclusive because I don’t like him spending time sending e-mails and talking on MSN and chatrooms with other women …sending parcels, romantic music etc. all as he says in the name of discovering other cultures. I think it sends mixed messages to women.
So would you consider I have oneitis ???…I can’t agree. I think a good relationship has to include some compromise and if this upsets me he should stop. Therefore does avoiding oneitis mean we should both do as we please and omit if our behaviour offends?
Can anyone else give me their view. I would love some comments

Comment by Lisa

October 4, 2006 @ 3:39 am

Amy, this is for Kate…

Dear Kate,

I spent YEARS trying to figure out how to get the only man I was interested in interested in me. Although we were close, I never had the exclusive relationship with him that I wanted. I spent way too much time being upset, frustrated, crying.

I remember one day a friend was talking about the guy she was dating, I asked her if he was “the one.” She responded: “I think so, but if he stops being ‘the one’, I’ll find another one.” I thought she was nuts! After all, there is only ONE one, and I had met mine, though he hadn’t figured out yet that I was his “one”. BOY, WAS I WAS WRONG.

Years later, after continuing to make my Mr. Won’t Be Right, Mr. Right, I decided to join an online dating service “for the hell of it.” I was contacted by this man, and I figured “what the heck!”

Online Dating Man & I went out a few times, I was sure he was not Mr. Right, cause after all I already KNEW Mr. Right, even though he wasn’t acting like one. However, friends and family pushed me to give Online Dating Man a chance. I did.

Over a year later I am glad I listened. Online Dating Man & I are now talking about marriage. I now FINALLY see how Mr. Won’t Be Right would have never been right. Online Dating Man treated me like I should have been treated all along… like a princess! I could not be happier… AND SO SHOULD YOU.

Stop wasting your time chasing ANY man. If a man is interested in YOU, he will chase YOU. Listen to Amy, read: He’s Just Not That Into You and then re-read it, as many times as it takes to get it to sink in. I also recommend you read: Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis.

Then, the stronger, wiser you will let Mr. Not Right go… and you’ll find someone who WILL make you happy, & make you feel loved, not part of the time, BUT ALL OF THE TIME.

Best of Luck!
Lisa

Comment by swettha

October 4, 2006 @ 3:54 am

hi,

jus as alwaz ur mail makes me think n understand my relation with my guy lot better.i was the one loosing sllep n peace of mind for months for the fear of loosing my guy.but thankgod somehow i overcome it n started living at peace when i started giving more space in our relation.but this will make me even stronger n wiser in making a better decision in love.im definitly der for my love in all his needs,n its equally important he stays for me.n its no point only me living the relation.thanks a lot amy!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Charlie

October 4, 2006 @ 3:59 am

Can chemistry be developed between two people? Can a couple be perfect for each other in everyway, but not have the fireworks? I am in a relationship with someone that is my best friend and we have so much fun together. We talk on the phone everyday, even though we don’t get to spend much time together during the week, we always get together on the weekend.

Comment by Shae

October 4, 2006 @ 7:03 am

I definitely agree with the fact that you should not put all your eggs into one basket. My grandmother who is 77 years old told me that a young woman should date a couple of guys at a time just to keep her options open and her mind off of the one she really likes until she's sure. Just think of it as the fact that we women do not like guys that wrap themselves up into us. We like a challenge and a little chase with some healthy competition just like guys do. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying sleep with a bunch of different guys at once but don't make yourself too available it makes you more desirable when your not.

Comment by Zahra

October 4, 2006 @ 7:34 am

Well I have been trying to practice dating more than one man at the time but it didn't feel good to me. the other thing I tryed was on line dating, I wanted to put off meeting him for a few weeks until I had gotten to know him a bit, and when we finally met I just went out to meet him and told him it was not a date. it so happend that I actually liked him but once we had met he decided he wanted to be my friend. I don't know, I have tryed all kinds of things, waiting for a while before having sex, having sex, trying to get to know a person, none of it has worked yet!

Comment by Lizzie

October 4, 2006 @ 1:30 pm

Replying both generally, as well as to Lisa (and therefore Kate):

I’ve read and I love “He’s just not that into you”- I read and reread it, and the more I look at it, the more it occurs to me that my best friend/sister has the most adorable, perfect, loving, and respectful relationship. She’s been dating her guy for 7 months, and he treats her so fantastically, and vice versa. They give each other freedom and space, which serves to make them want to spend more time together. They don’t sleep over at each other’s places on Monday’s or Wednesday’s, so they can see other friends and family; and they can see their friends any time they need/want to without guilt or anger. It is so beautiful and inspiring… and yet in order for this fantastic guy to even register on her scale, she had to break up with her loser bf of 3 years, who was selfish, hated her friends/family, and made her spend every night at his house regardless.

If it’s meant to be, it doesn’t make you cry, he’ll never keep you wondering, and he’ll treat you at all times with love and respect; and vice versa.

So maybe this guy isn’t that into you- why would you want to go out with someone who doesn’t like you? Mourn for the fantasy, then clear him out of your life to make way for someone who CAN notice you, ask you out, and be your very own. Hard, but worthwhile.

xx Lizzie

Comment by Hilda

October 4, 2006 @ 5:50 pm

Thankyou! I now realised I have a case of oneitis as a result of reading your article. Recently a guy ditched me after a week, and told me I was too emotionally attached, and his feelings didn’t match how strong I felt about him. It was the same with the previous few guys. I obsessed about losing each of them, and that’s what happened. I hated not being able to contact them, even if they were busy working. I lost my mum a few years ago, and as a result, I fear losing people I care about. I also have a tendency to jump head first into a new exclusive relationship, without taking the time to get to know them first as friends.

Now having read the article, I realise what I’m doing, and will work at changing that, to not obsess, to go with the flow, and in the process, meet that special someone who wants to be with me forever, and vice versa. Obviously I haven’t met him yet. And I won’t if I keep scaring guys off by being obsessive and all!

Thankyou again Amy!

Comment by elham

October 4, 2006 @ 11:08 pm

dear Miss Amy Waterman:

with thanks for your helping ,ican use very much from your writings , but i think i have very problem in relation with boys . i always fall in love very immediately and i try to continiue very much but finally ,i miss them .At the first they love me more but then everything is changed and ihad to accept that this relation must be finished .but the most problem is that i never corrected and fall in love again and again , i am very optimistic and i think the all boys arent like & i finally would find the one that i always want. in this way i learn more and more but my heart break more & more .i dont want to live without love ,&i always looking for the one…. i know ihave problem but i dont know what is that? ican attract every boy but icant keep him.

Sincerely
Elham

Comment by Bex

October 4, 2006 @ 11:46 pm

Hi Amy,

I’ve been enjoying your articles and reading in parallel Christian Carter’s “Catch Him and Keep Him”. My background: Two years ago a jerk of a bf broke up with me after 3.5 years because he “wasn’t ready” to get married. Whatever. At first I was devistated. But if someone told me then that within 2 years I would have 3 proposals of marriage from amazing guys and men lining up to take me out, I would not have believed it. I read Christian Carter’s e-book way back then and also another book called “Love Tactics”. Basically both books emphasise the same principle here, which is that people (men and women) are generally not attracted to someone who idolises them, AND people can pick up on it even if you think nobody can tell. Dating several men at once will neutralise your feelings and distract your focus away and make you more fun to be around. It certainly seems to be my formula for success because now I’m the one deciding if I want to get married or not.

Things are heating up. Recently I’ve met two guys who I could really settle down with. One wants to marry me but is going through a divorce and I suspect he really needs time to himself..unfortunately for me/us. The other guy checks all my boxes and I was ready to commit to him but then he was deployed to Iraq.

Timing, timing, timing.. but that’s another article.

Comment by Jen

October 5, 2006 @ 7:45 am

I suffered from Oneitis A LOT for the first couple years I dated. I would fall in love way too fast, even if the guy wasn’t such a wonderful guy, he was always better than the last one or I thought so anyway, and dove right into the relationship. I’m married now, and looking back at it, I subconsciously wanted to be “the perfect woman” for all these guys. I acted more like a robotic house wife that would do ANYTHING the guy wanted, including his dishes (and his roommate’s dishes), his laundry, house work, errands, etc. etc. that the guys I dated were just too lazy to do. I jumped at every oportunity to do something for my guy, when they just weren’t THAT interested in me. All these relationships lasted less than two months! And most of them ended with the guy letting me know that he wanted to date other girls, or me catching him with another girl, sharing the same intimacies I had shared with him–thinking he was “the one.” After a few of those relationships, I finally realized there was something to this “holding back” idea. I didn’t have to be the perfect woman all in one day. I didn’t have to chase the guy and try to make him love me because of all the wonderful things I was doing for him. That’s when I met my husband and I learned a lot about my past relationships and why they didn’t work and why these guys weren’t right for me. I thought they were at the time, but that’s because the obsession I had with each of them made me think they were the perfect man. I think sometimes women who fall in love too quickly suffer from low self-esteem and thinking that they don’t deserve any better than the man they have (or had) and they’re afraid there’s never going to be another man who will really care about them. That’s something I had to learn the hard way.

Comment by Patricia

October 5, 2006 @ 1:29 pm

I think we’re all guilty of oneitis from time to time in our lives & it NEVER works.
I think keeping a few around is a great idea! Trouble is… & this is true of me… I simply cant tow the wannabees along. I could have a group of guys I guess & not sleep with them but two things happen. Most men want the sexual thing thrown in or they do the leaving (not a desired out come if ur collecting) & the one’s that dont put that pressure on you, r irritating despirado’s who can make you feel really uncomfortable!! Why would they be there otherwise? Anyhow, it also seems unfair on them. I think maybe having “imaginary friends” hahaha maybe a safer option.
Meditation & lots of other activities may help some. We also maybe need to accept that it is difficult to fight mother natures forces. If that’s how we have to play it nowadays… then we just have to learn it!

Comment by Jennifer

October 11, 2006 @ 5:20 am

Hi Amy,
thanks a billion for your advice.i used to be the nice and good girl.i started dating at 23 yrs.Due to late entry into the industry and being a novice i was hurt again and again in three relationships.since i learnt to take control of the situation,i have learnt to wait on God for the right person.i dont consider the fact that im advancing in age,so i had to be at the beck and call of any guy, in order to get married.its lonely sometimes but im used to being lonely now,so i really dont mind,whats more,i’ve joined activities like reading at church and furthering ma education which keeps me busy all the time.keep the good work up,people like me are grateful.
jennifer

Comment by wanda

November 15, 2006 @ 8:38 pm

Any man who treats a woman badly is a felon who does not deserve love or devotion from women – and women who love jerks are equally to blame for this increasingly g telationship matter problem- no man deserves “oneitis’ sort of thing- if you find yourself feeling thatway about a man – pull yourself out of it ASAP – because the day you stop looking at him as a “gift to your life’ you will turn the tables and who knows he may have “oneitis ‘ about YOU!!! hahahaha

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