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Stop Him from Cheating

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

posted by amy

I love receiving emails from readers.  Everyone has their own unique story and particular question they want answered.  Despite the variety of situations, however, I've noticed some of the same themes recurring.

  • How do I get him to propose?
  • How do I get him back?
  • My man is cheating. How do I save our relationship?

Whenever I read about a woman's heartache when she has found out that her husband/boyfriend/partner is cheating on her but she can't give up on him or the relationship, I feel my heart go out to her.  Being cheated on is one of the most painful, humiliating, and heartrending experiences we can have in a relationship.  But what should we do when it happens to us?

My gut instinct is always to go with Greg Behrendt's advice:

"He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else." (He's Just Not That Into You p. 73)

If you haven't got a copy of Greg's book, He's Just Not That Into You, I highly recommend it.  Among Greg's other pearls of wisdom are:

"100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone." (p. 83)

"If something is wrong in a relationship, here's a bright, mature idea: talk about it.  Don't let any man blame you for their infidelity.  Ever." (p. 78) 

For Greg, it's cut and dried.  Even if your cheating man says that it was an accident, or that he was drunk, or that it was your fault because you weren't filling his needs, take it from Greg: those are excuses.  Dump him and move on. You deserve better.  You deserve someone who's into you.

Yet for many women, Greg's response doesn't seem like a good enough answer  When it comes to relationships, it is hard to see the situation in black and white.  We women excel in seeing shades of gray.  We excel in understanding someone's point of view and overlooking behaviors that should be unacceptable for the sake of our love for our imperfect man.

Unless said behavior happens to someone we care about.  I protect my female friends fiercely.  When they get cheated on, it's out with the jerk and in with someone who cares for her as much as I do.

I've seen female friends cheated on and end up staying with the guy even when the girl he was sleeping with on the side became his new girlfriend, making my friend the woman he's cheating on the new girlfriend with!

Confusing?  Yes.  And when children are involved, the cheating situation becomes much more complicated.  Greg's guide is designed for people who are dating, not married.  What happens if your man cheats on you in the course of your marriage?  Shouldn't you try to save your marriage for your children's sake?

Forgive me for a diversion into evolutionary biology, but according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, human beings are designed to be serially monogamous, with human "pair-bonds" lasting only four years before they naturally end.  Why?  Because four years are necessary for a man and a woman to stay together to raise a human child to the stage where it can survive without the mother being in constant attendance.  At that point, Fisher's theory goes, the craving for sexual variety overcomes the need to stay together.

Infidelity has been a feature of human relationships since the dawn of time.  Keeping a marriage together for 10, 25, even 50 years may be a fight against nature, but that doesn't mean that we're biologically driven to stray.  Culture, environment, upbringing, and so on are equally powerful forces.  A young person raised to value being faithful will find that he or she can easily overcome impulses to cheat because of his or her strong moral stance.

Ultimately, most of us find that all we can rely on when it comes to keeping a man from cheating is the folk wisdom passed down from our grandmothers.  One timeworn theory tells us that to keep our man from straying, all we have to do is give him unlimited:

  • food
  • sex, and
  • praise.

Feed him, keep your sex life active and interesting, and stroke his ego with compliments, and your man will be so over the moon that he'll never look elsewhere for companionship.

On one level, this tried-and-true folk wisdom is good – food, sex, and praise are balms for the male spirit – but on another level it feels unfair.  It places the entire burden for a man's fidelity on the shoulders of his partner.  Are we as women to be responsible for keeping our men from straying?  Aren't some men more likely to stray anyway, no matter how perfect their partner?

Personally, I've made my decision.  If a man cheats on me physically or emotionally (since many affairs begin well before they reach physical intimacy), the relationship is over.  I deserve more than that.  As much as I may care for that person, I remind myself of what I am aiming for: the kind of love that endures over a lifetime.  We're not a good match if his eye keeps straying.

And I hold myself to the same standards: I never use the "male attention" trick to spur my partner into being jealous.  Letting my partner know that other men are interested in me in order to keep him keen is a form of manipulation.  It comes from insecurity, not love.

Ultimately, it's up to you.  All of us have the power to interpret infidelity in a different way.  For one person, it may be a betrayal of the relationship.  For another person it may be an all-too-human mistake.  For another person it may be the ultimate form of rejection.

But be aware that you have a choice. What will you accept?

18 Comments

Comment by Anna

September 27, 2006 @ 1:58 am

Amen and Amen!

Comment by Vanessa

September 27, 2006 @ 2:18 am

I have to agree , when a partner cheats this always apparently means someone isnt trustworthy,and to me without trust you can never have that ultimate relationship.Ive been down that road and learned alot from the pain and heartache it can cause, forgiveness for the act of betrayal is not something I will ever give again, Just lets the one who cheated know they can do it again and get away with it, No letting one have their cake and eat it to with me again. No way joseeee. if I cant be enough for you then be on your way.

Comment by Nioka

September 27, 2006 @ 3:13 am

Thank you,
This was a most informative message, I agree somewhat, though I don’t have a boyfriend but I date a few men, I have three daughters and I know I have to practice what I preach.However I teach them to be true to each other don”t tell each others secret and look out for each other, that is my means of teaching them to be true to others in relationships, I also teach them by the way I treat them that is with respect and gratitude.

But I do encourage them of all the Laws, love yourself or you are lying when you say you love someone else.

Love & Light,

Ni

Comment by Marcia

September 27, 2006 @ 3:23 am

One timeworn theory tells us that to keep our man from straying, all we have to do is give him unlimited:

food
sex, and

praise.

I have to agree with the comment, “It places the entire burden for a man’s fidelity on the shoulders of his partner.” Why is it believed that if the woman provides her husband/partner with these things, that will prevent him from leaving? What if the tables are turned, and the woman comments infidelity? Is it also believed that this happened because he didn’t provide her with unlimited food, sex and praise? Women cheat too, maybe not as often as men, but when your partner isn’t there for you, supporting you, and allowing you to grow, you look for someone who will. So any men reading this article, take this as a warning, be there for your partner, encourage her to strive for the golden ring, and HELP around the house, she’s not the only one who can cook and clean!!!!

Comment by Susan

September 27, 2006 @ 3:26 am

I am in complete agreement with what was stated in this article. I am a single woman out there dating for about 25 years. I love being single and currently am dating a great guy for about 4 years now. It is my belief he has not cheated on me, but how can anyone EVER be sure? You can’t! To hinge your entire self worth on another human being is not only stupid; it’s dangerous! My advice? Don’t do it! If you find someone is cheating on you and you can’t live with it; MOVE on! If you want to keep them in your life; work on making the relationship better! Your average garden variety guy won’t cheat unless something is MISSING in the relationship. From what my men friends tell me that is usually: SEX and affectiion or praise.

I do think women are more the keepers of the flame then men are. We are naturally more inclined to be the caretakers of not only men but children, family and friends. Saying men should do this or do that doesn’t fix anything. I believe if women want to keep their men from cheating they need to start watching the store. By this I mean making sure you are focusing a certain amount of attention and energy on your man. You may need to spend less time doing other things like hobbies, job and even activities with the children, but your life long relationship with your man is worth it. It isn’t about pointing the finger at someone else. It begins with each of us by taking responsibility for our role in the situation. Cheating involves more than just the cheater.

Comment by Rude?

September 27, 2006 @ 5:57 am

when a guy cheats on me ,i consider him a dead man i loved so i cry ,bury the dead , mourn for a while and guess what life goes on . Sometimes i think about him as i normally should but he is dead. I keep on living with the quick and let the dead remain in their God forsaken graves
Life goes on even without them

Comment by Dorte

September 27, 2006 @ 8:45 am

I don't see it so black and white as most of you. It is not just about cheating on you(having sex with somebody else), but more about having another relationship and letting you down. I have been married for 21 years and I know my husband has "cheated" on me with at least 4 women. With one of them, he had a long relationship. However, he has always denied it all even though I have lots of proof! The worst part is the lying… and now the lack of trust which I have in him. We are still together but I do no respect him that much. I know you would all say, leave him, but it is not so simple, there is more to life than that. If these women meant someting to him, I believe, he would have left me?. What is important is that we're still together and you cannot expect to go through a life long marriage without a few temptations. It is how you work it out that matters. Giving him food, sex and praise does not stop him entirely, but I must admit looking back all these years there is some truth in that.

Comment by Skye

September 27, 2006 @ 11:58 am

**All of us have the power to interpret infidelity in a different way. For one person, it may be a betrayal of the relationship. For another person it may be an all-too-human mistake. For another person it may be the ultimate form of rejection.**
No matter how you define the betrayal itself, the end result is the same..the trust is never the same afterward. Having been through it, ultimately divorcing for a larger combination of reasons; I knew well enough that infidelity was not something I could/would tolerate..but because I had a *family* I felt obligated to try to fix something that was dead the minute I found out about the events. If has little to do with “food, sex, and praise”…the EX had all that. He was raised to think it was his Right, as a man, and that no mere woman should ever dare question that. The best thing we can do is teach ALL our children to respect others and treat others the way they want to be treated, and hopefully we do it well enough..that if they are ever in such a situation, they will realize it’s not their fault, nor their responsibility…and claim their own happiness before trying to provide someone elses.

Comment by Adwoa

September 27, 2006 @ 8:31 pm

“Ultimately, it’s up to you. All of us have the power to interpret infidelity in a different way. For one person, it may be a betrayal of the relationship. For another person it may be an all-too-human mistake. For another person it may be the ultimate form of rejection.”

I used interprete cheating as the ultimate form of rejection until i met this guy who gave me all the love and care i needed. I thought he was an angel sent from above until i saw text messages on his cell phone just yesterday that proved he has been having an affair for about six months now, with a girl he dangled in my face as his friend.

One of the messages read:” I just had my bath and i wish i could lie beside you, press my body against yours and do you know wtat. I miss you darling”. When i asked him, he still had the nerve to deny it. I intentionally sent the girl a text telling her the guy was my fiancee and hell broke loose. He still insists they are only friends and that i shouldn’t have sent his ‘FRIEND’ that text but i know better than close my eyes to reality and live in a fool’s paradise.

So what am i saying? Cheating is not only the ultimate rejection, it is an insult to the intelligence of anybody who gets cheated on, it means you’ve been downplayed, ridiculed, used and humiliated. So this is what i’d do, consider him dead, be true to the pain you feel, cry over him, bury the dead and move on. That is the only way you can pay hin back!

Comment by Ene

September 27, 2006 @ 9:11 pm

Thank you so much amy for sharing this with us all.

This just came timely to me. I just realised that my man is cheating on me. I intercepted his mails to another woman and read all of them. It was so painful and still very painful to me because I trusted him and loved or love him.

He started to plead forgiveness which I didn’t know exactly what to do. Whether to forgive him, continue with him or just drop him and move on with my life.

This happened on Monday 25/9/2006. This mail has solved this riddle for me. by God’s Grace. I’m saying by God’s grace because I’m trying to put 2 and 2 together from what I have read and see how best to handle the situation. For the truth is that I still love this man and on the other hand I don’t know how to cope with infidelity. I don’t just have the strenght for it.

I must say finally, that infidelity is a thing not to be telorated because it has the capacity to cut your life short. The pain, frustation and misery that comes with it, is sometimes unbearable. You just feel like the world is against you and you want to give up and just die so that you have some rest.

I want to say here that any woman who finds herself in a situation like this when it has not gotten to marriage; the best thing to do is to quit outrightly if she can because it can happen again and again and your whole life just become miserable while you have the right to be happy.

Comment by Mai

September 28, 2006 @ 10:50 am

hi
first thank you 4 the great openion and 4 giving me the chance 2 say mine
first i think that 90% of men are shit realy
and if we cut off every realtion ship bezcause he cheated on us , we will never get married or have a good partner , i realy wanna know how we can choose the right man , and how 2 get over the bad once, i know we desrve much better one but what can we do if we r in love wz that man , and how can i start a new life wz a man inside my heart ?!!
thanks for giving me the chance again 🙂
bye

Comment by Dawn

September 29, 2006 @ 10:43 am

Hi. I just wanted to comment on the topic of infidelity. I have been on both sides of the fence. Meaning that I have been cheated on, and I have been in a relationship with a married man. It all depends on the situation and the personal details of that situation. Not all men(or women)cheat for the same reasons. I was cheated on because the man was immuture and didn’t want to be with just one woman. The married man was in a unloving,unfulling,complicated marriage that has no physical or emotional connection. He turned to me (after months of being friends) because I gave him that. I know for a fact that he would have never cheated if his wife would have been there for him. As far as I’m concern,it’s her loss that she doesn’t want him, because he is a great guy. If the marriage wasn’t so complicated, he would divorce her and be with me, and there never would have been any cheating going on. But, that wasn’t the case.

Comment by charito

September 29, 2006 @ 4:37 pm

I am a biologist, and thanks God I have been a very good friend of a lot of guys. I asked one and he told me that he was in love with this girl. She was perfect; perfect sex, perfect face, he loves black women.

When he sees another woman, no matter if she is not that pretty, he wants to have sex with her, even if he is in LOVE. He wants to conquer her, and when he flirts with her, he feels ALIVE…

He did not cheat on that girl, but what I wanted to say is that MEN DESIRE EVERY PRETTY WOMAN THEY SEE. It doesn’t matter if it is on TV, in the street, a friend or a stranger. MEN MASTURBATE THINKING IN 2, 3, 4 etc WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME. AND MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE MASTURBATED THINKING OF YOU.

Now I am dating a guy I teached Biology 2 years ago. We became friends and I helped him to conquer a girl he liked. He confessed when I was his teacher he masturbated thinking about me. He is very religious and one time he tried to not masturbate for 2 weeks. That is a lot!!!! After all, he did it while dreaming (or thinking he was dreming) If a man does not do this, sperm comes out in a wet dream. When he does not masturbate in 2 or three days, when he sees a woman, is like WOW!!!! and the desire rises tremendously. So there is something correct about giving sex to a man to keep him. Men admire women’s beauty and having sex with the same person after a year or two is monotonous.

WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT WE DO NOT KNOW MEN REALITY. Dont you think is pathetic a man needs to masturbate every day? Probably twice a day? MEN ARE MORE SEXUAL THAN US. If you see in other species, males want to copulate with a lot of females. I read on Cosmopolitan, that there is a chemical after orgasm that make you feel connected to the other person. In a woman it can endure several days; in men hours.

It is a men’s nature not to commit. There are few species that are monogamous ALL LIFE. An example are the penguins of “The March of the Penguins” movie, and they are monogamous for 1 year.

MY ADVICE… LOOK FOR A MAN THAT IS RELIGIOUS AND HAS MORAL VALUES. This is the only way. My boyfriend is religious and believes in fidelity, anyways he looks at girls when we are together. THE SPECIAL TRICK IS TO MAKE YOUR MAN ADMIRE YOU. THAT YOU ARE UNIQUE, SPECIAL, AND HE CAN NOT HAVE ANYONE LIKE YOU. THEN WHEN HE SEES THIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE, HE WILL DESIRE HER, BUT NOT CHEAT ON YOU BECASUE HE KNOWS HE CAN NOT FIND SOMETHING BETTER. That my friends I CALL LOVE. AND LOVE SOMETIMES DOESN’T COME IN A WEEK, A YEAR… OF COURSE YOU CAN HELP TO THIS SITUATION BEING A LITTLE BITCH,,, CONTINUE THE THRILL OF THE CHASE FOR A LONGER TIME, UNTIL YOU BOTH KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND REALIZE HOW WONDERFUL HUMAN BEINGS YOU ARE.

THANKS.. CHARY

Comment by kate

September 29, 2006 @ 7:34 pm

“You deserve
someone who’s into you.” –
yeah great idea – but what if he is the only man you are interested in? You just dump him and move on? I used to think as you do and advised someone accordingly. Fortunately she didn’t take my advice and she went ahead and married him. 20 years later she is happliy married with 2 children.

I am not interested in just any guy. If he’s just not that into you I would like to know what to do so that he is into me. Chances are if he isn’t other guys aren’t into you either.

Anyway i have to say that it is too late for me. i did what i could and it all didn’t work. Now he has fallen for a 26 yr old. (I am 50) and I am not interested in anyone else and so i am just going on with no one, which is all I want to do as he is the only man i know who i am interested in.
I don’t want a man just for the sake of having a man.

Comment by Patty

October 2, 2006 @ 1:21 am

The most important lesson is to love ourselves and to know that we have an option … it’s up to us to decide what kind of life you want to have….

Comment by Swan

October 8, 2006 @ 12:22 am

I’ve been on all sides of the cheating game. I was in a crappy marriage for almost 20 years when along came a man whom I became close friends with. He was also in a long marriage to a woman who was not only asexual, but who was emotionally abusive toward him (I knew her as well and knew these things to be true). He and I fell deeply and passionately in love, and it was this relationship that was the catalyst for my escape from my mean, controlling, and abusive husband. My lover’s wife knew her husband and I were friends and allowed and encouraged us to go places together without her, and though she has always denied it, I know she knew what was going on and didn’t care because it took the heat off of her sexually. Three years into the affair, my lover decided he needed to be with me. At the same time, his wife “found out” about the affair and THEN began making a feeble attempt to keep him, as without him she would never make it financially. He ultimately left her and we began what I thought would be a life together. Wrong. I knew he had cheated on his wife in the past, but justified it because I knew her and knew what she was like. I thought I would be the one he would be faithful to because he had unlimited, spontaneous, and playful sex, food, praise, and everything else – not because I thought this would keep him, but because I loved him so much and wanted to give him these things. After being together for six years, I found out by accident that he was cheating on me with a woman he had fallen in love with when he was 19, but she broke up with him. He sought her out on the internet (after finding out that she had tried to contact him many years ago, but was thwarted by his mother), and they had been seeing each other off and on for about a year when I found out. Now, here’s the kicker. He has never gotten divorced from his wife, but is still with the woman he cheated on me with. She’s married as well and lives about two hours from where he lives, so except for getting together once a week or so, their relationship consists of phone calls. They have been doing this for about six years now, and there’s no sign of divorce in sight for either of them. And he’s always with his wife! I see him often and by the things he says and the way he looks at me, I know he sometimes wishes he could turn back the clock. When I found out he was cheating, I was devastated – and that’s an understatement. I thought my life was over and that I’d never love anyone the way I loved him. How wrong I was! It took me 2-3 years, but I have come to love myself and my life more than I ever did. I tell people my life used to be in black and white, but now its in color. I see him for the confused and pitiful person he really is, but more importantly see myself as a beautiful, desirable, fun, happy, passionate, intelligent, playful, and wonderful woman. I know my worth, and I know that I will never, ever allow anyone to treat me in a way that makes me feel bad. I believe that if you love yourself and treat yourself the way you’d treat someone you really love, you will draw love and happiness, it will surround you, be a part of you, you will exude it, and you will shine. I’m not bitter and actually am friends with my ex-lover, because due to my experience with him, I’m a better, happier, more loving person to myself and to others, and what I thought at the time was the worst thing that could’ve happened to me turned out to be the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I can’t hate him. Believe in the black cloud with the silver lining – it exists.

Comment by venus

November 8, 2006 @ 6:16 am

yes, thats true if one cheated that means they dont love each other anymore or one dont love the other thats why she he ended looking for someone else. it sad but that the way it should be if he cheat let go.

Comment by Raivn

November 8, 2006 @ 8:32 pm

“human beings are designed to be serially monogamous, with human “pair-bonds” lasting only four years before they naturally end. Why? Because four years are necessary for a man and a woman to stay together to raise a human child to the stage where it can survive without the mother being in constant attendance. At that point, Fisher’s theory goes, the craving for sexual variety overcomes the need to stay together.”

Is this true? Because if it is, my god, that would explain so much to me…

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