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In Remembrance of 9/11

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

posted by amy

Today is the fifth anniversary of September 11.  It's a date that needs no identification.  Like the assassination of President Kennedy, it has marked a generation and defined the young 21st century.

It goes without saying that today should be a day of remembrance.  As you go about your day – getting breakfast made, commuting to work, picking up the kids from school – I hope you find time for a moment of silence.

Even as all of us search for love, it's important to remember that all we have in life is the present moment.  Even as you search for Mr. Right, life holds no guarantee that you'll be able to keep him forever.

If you have a man in your life right now, enjoy him.  Enjoy every evening you spend together.  Enjoy the silly conversations and the easy way you share the details of your day.  In the midst of reminding him to get the groceries or arranging your weekend plans, give him a hug and thank him for being in your life.  You're lucky to have him, just as he's lucky to have you.

There's a fantastic story in the New York Metro about the 9/11 widows and how they've accepted the challenge of moving on with their lives.  For those of us who've had to confront life after the loss of a partner – whether through death, divorce, or a breakup – the widows' grief reminds us of the stages of grieving and the mental tricks the mind will play to keep from having to confront the ugly reality of life without our beloved.  The way the widows came together to support one another in groups like the GW ("Grieving Widows") reminds us how deeply we can rely on our female friends and family members to understand what we're going through and offer us their ears to listen and shoulders to lean on.  And the widows' resilience as they began laughing again, vacationing again, and – yes- dating and loving again, reminds us that we don't have to carry our grief with us forever.  Even though you may have loved your previous partner beyond belief, you honor him most by taking that fierce, deep love and sharing it with others.

According to Dr. Judy of the New York Daily News, the meaning of 9/11 is greater than tragedy: it's also about reminding ourselves what's important and finding new resolve to connect with our loved ones.  She believes that, "like a wedding anniversary, birth of a child or death of a loved one, September 11 is a 'marker' date that can serve as a turning point to turn your life – and your relationship – around."

Life is too precious – as is love – to live each day on autopilot, repeating the same old patterns and having the same old arguments.

If you're seeking a way to honor those who died in 9/11 in a way that reflects the lessons learned in the five years since it happened, then might I suggest that you think of one person in your life whom you've been unable to forgive, and give them a call?

Forgiveness frees us.  In forgiveness, you let go of the baggage that keeps poisoning the present.  Forgiveness – of ourselves as well as others – allows us to move on.

And that, ultimately, is the best way to honor the dead: to appreciate, respect, and honor the gift of life.

14 Comments

Comment by Susan

September 12, 2006 @ 10:36 am

Amy,
Thank you for the wonderful message that you have shared on 000 Relationships Live!. I’m a widow, not due to the 9/11 attacks, but when my husband of 12 years passed away from cancer, just 3 short months after it was diagnosed. Each person should apreciate each and every moment with their loved ones. Life is fragile and much too short to prevent people from taking care of and loving each other. I have learned in the almost 3 years since my husband’s death, to release old hurts and attempt to live each day as a gift.

Comment by Priya Shah

September 12, 2006 @ 11:03 am

That is beautiful. And so true. Its so important to appreciate what we have, be grateful for the abundance we have been given and value the people in our lives than to pine away for some imaginary, perfect lover who may never appear.

Comment by kathy

September 12, 2006 @ 11:10 am

Life is fleeting, no matter how much we try to savor the minutes they rush together with each breath and before we know it we are looking back on a life where the only thing that truly mattered was the ability to love and be loved. A heart that smiles takes the time to remember this everyday!

Comment by Rhonda Brooks

September 12, 2006 @ 11:26 am

All i can say is, Thank you for reminding us all what life can really mean.

Comment by liz

September 12, 2006 @ 11:58 am

Thank you. I am often amazed at how life turns on a dime. As an emergency dept nurse I have seen this many times. And I STILL don’t always take the time to do as you suggest, though your thoughts are 1000% right on. Your advice was kind, compassionate and well put.

Comment by Kathie

September 12, 2006 @ 12:05 pm

Great artical and it sure made me think. I do my best to show love to people everyday, but there is one person I have a hard time with,,,yes I do forgive him for what he has put me through,but I can't call and let him know because he will keep calling again. I will forgive him, but I can't forget…but yes it it a very short life and we should show love to family, friends and neighbours. I lost a brother 10 years ago and even though he knew I loved him dearly, I wished I wouuld of told him so. Please be very grateful for the people in your lives and cherish every minute with them.

Comment by Mary

September 12, 2006 @ 1:41 pm

All day long, I’ve was very worried because the man I love dearly was flying to New York on 9/11. I was worried because I only remembered the fear and the tradegy of 9/11. Your article changed my thinking about this day. Instead of remembering this day with fear, now I’ll choose to remember this day as a day for love.

Comment by marion landan

September 12, 2006 @ 2:11 pm

Forgiveness is not that important if you’ve already forgiven unexcusable behavior many times. At some point it is better to just move on (even with close family members). To continue forgiving is just to cripple oneself and waste valuable energy and set oneself up to be messed with again.

As for 9/11, I learned absolutely nothing I didn’t know before 9/11. In fact, I only visited the World Trade Center once (a blind date took me) and I spent the entire time trying to get management to explain to me why they were risking peoples’ lives by locking off any escape to the roof top. I also asked why they had built such a fire trap and why history hadn’t taught them that interior fire escapes and sprinklers weren’t enough in buildings that high. I’d also like to know why they’re rebuilding the same dangerous way — again creating a tragedy waiting to happen.

Also, don’t assume people have family members, a community, a church, a job, or close friends they can grieve with. At one point in my life, through no fault of my own, I didn’t. Sometimes all one can do is relate to God.

Lastly, I was touched by the little boy born after his father’s death on 9/11 who told his mother that until a few months ago his father had been “visiting” him. I didn’t grow up believing in this (and was agnostic), but after my fiance’s death — he took turns visiting me and his son and his ex-wife. He visited so consistantly that many months later, when I sat down with his ex-wife, we started reconstructing what he did right after his death, the next day, etc. We were amazed at how our accounts dovetailed (because he sometimes told us what he was doing the day before when he wasn’t around — although didn’t say he was visiting both of us). He also seems to have teleported an object right after death — how else do I explain that when I asked him to prove he was real (and not just my grieving imagination), that he was able within one minute to make part of a thermostat on the office wall suddenly jump across my path as I walked down a hallway. Others saw this event and couldn’t explain it. Two hours later I told him that didn’t prove anything. Make sure this physical proof was something I couldn’t ignore. A minute later my purse strap broke and I tripped over the purse (the purse was a gift I’d forgotten he gave me). Again, it was a heavy leather strap attached with strong metal — inexplicable that it broke.

Also, unbelieveable as this email might sound — my fiance was a Major in Special Forces when he was killed. Thus I was no stranger to the fact that terrorist events do occur from time to time in this country and simply get passed off as something else. It particularly annoys me that the govt. insists on invading our privacy when we board planes — as most planes are not brought down by something aboard the plane (but are often brought down with ground to air missles and/or hand held launchers).

Comment by MARY SHOHMELIAN

September 12, 2006 @ 10:59 pm

Dear AMY Thank you for the wonderful and sensible message that you have shared on 000Relationships live,believe me I burst into tears.

Comment by Adela

September 13, 2006 @ 12:45 am

Dear Amy, I want to thank you for this greate message yuo give to all of us through yuor article. It's true that the big losts or the tragedies like that of 9/11 change the life, cause a lot of pain, but i think that even such things don't happen by chance. As you wrote the lost of our dearest persons or the death in general shuold help us to realise how fortunate we are to own such a wonderful gift as the life. We should remember also that life is too short and it's stupid spreading away any moment of it. The life is just to be enjoyed!I think we can do it by loving each other, but we must start to ourselves.

Comment by Mo

September 13, 2006 @ 1:13 am

Hi Amy,
i am very happy to know that there are still person out there in this wolrd today that knows that forgivness is very important. And that life is precious, and we sould live it each day loving and caring for other. My heart is with those that have lost love one’s in 9/11, but earth has no sorrows that heaven can’t cure, and no matter how big the problem is God is a deliver and he will see us through. God bless.

Comment by swettha

September 13, 2006 @ 3:46 am

hi amy,

after reading this article of urs.i feel 1 thing ur thoughts r simply awesome!!!!!!!

Comment by Mary Walker

September 13, 2006 @ 6:19 am

A beautiful and moving tribute to 9/11, an event which touched people around the world.

I am English and was in London on that day. I thought it was Armageddon and that we would be struck too. It was such a relief to see that the world went on, inspired by the courage of the bereaved who lost their loved ones on that terrible day.

What Amy has written about enjoying the moment, I wholeheartedly endorse. What she said about forgiveness, I know to be true.

My ex-husband cheated on me with two women before leaving me just over a year ago. I found it in my heart to forgive him last week and have now started regaining lost weight, having dropped to 7 stone.

The really touching thing is that he cried and said that he didn’t ever think he could forgive himself.

To all women out there who grieve, hurt, are alone or have life issues which trouble them, let the remembrance of 9/11 bring them peace and guidance.

Comment by Susan Bromley

September 14, 2006 @ 12:59 am

Susan Bromley My husband died 4 years ago after diagnosis of cancer. I didn’t know what to do as we had been married 28 years and had no children. It is Roberts’ memory and the dreams I have had that kept me going. I will say that no two days are the same and the up and downs are hard to bear. We know the pain of being left behind but we are not alone and events like 9/11 show the strength we have inside.

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