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Getting the Right Mindset

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

posted by amy

I've discovered a pretty funny thing in my time here on Earth.  Maybe it only applies to me, but it's certainly been proven true in my experience.

  • The more I think about how much I want something, the less likely I am to get it.
  • The more I focus on the process of getting something (without thinking too much about the object of my goal), the greater chance I have of getting it.

Case in point:

I'm looking for a home.  After much hunting, I found the perfect place – a 10 out of 10 in my scale of perfect homes – perfect price, perfect location, and perfect size.  I wanted the place sooo badly.  I put an offer in, but someone else wanted that perfect place, too.  When the dust settled, the other person's offer was accepted.

How do you think I felt?  How would YOU feel?

Sad? Angry? As if the world was unjust?  As if you'd missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and would never find anything that perfect again?

Or would you feel acceptance, knowing that you did everything you possibly could and that this was simply the way things turned out?

I don't think that any of us are really good at accepting that we aren't going to get something we desperately want.  When it comes to things we really, REALLY desire, it's hard to be philosophical about the matter.  Friends say kindly, "If it didn't happen, then it just wasn't meant to be."  Others tell us to look at it as a learning experience: "Look how much you know now!"  Still others might say, "There was probably something wrong with it anyway, so it's best that you didn't get it."

Do any of these mindset ring true when it comes to your dating experiences?

If there's a man you really, REALLY like, how do you react when it appears that he doesn't feel the same way?  Are you philosophical about it, or do you focus on the pain of not getting what you wanted?

If you really, REALLY want to find a man and get married, how do you feel when it seems like every man you date turns out to be a dud?  Do you feel discouraged and decide that fate is telling you that you're never going to get a man, or do you feel like you're getting somewhere by learning something new from each experience?

I'm not saying that you have to be a Pollyanna.  What I am saying is that there's more than one way to look at every situation, and some of those ways make life a lot more fun and enjoyable than others.

It seems to me that the mindset you adopt when you try to achieve your goals matters as much as your actions.  When you do anything from a place of wanting, you can jinx yourself.  In your blind pursuit of what you want, you can miss something important, such as a clue telling you that what you want isn't actually what's best for you at all.  You end up focusing on the object of your desire so much that your wanting grows out of proportion.

For example, have you ever "kind of" liked a guy, but then after talking about how cute and smart and funny he was with friends and family, you suddenly decided that you HAD to have him and that your life wouldn't be worth anything unless he noticed you?

I've known students who've focused so much on how MUCH they want to get into a particular university that they erased from their minds any possibility that they might not get in.  Rather than remaining realistic, asking a lot of questions, and getting an honest assessment of their chances from the recruitment officer, these students assume that the magnitude of their desire would be enough.  When the university sends them a rejection letter, they can't believe it.  "But I really, REALLY want to go there! Why won't they let me in?  Don't they know how much I want to go there?"

Do you see where I'm going with this?  Of course you do.

Really, REALLY wanting something (a boyfriend, a man, a husband) isn't going to do you any good when it comes to actually getting yourself one.

Just because you want a man doesn't mean that you'll get one "just because," any more than you'll lose weight by thinking how much you want to lose weight.

Focus on what you need to do to get the results you want.  Then do it.

If you want a man, then think about the steps you need to take to meet more attractive, available men.  Make a plan.  DO SOMETHING.  Don't just lie alone in your bed at night and dream of a fantasy man or hate yourself because you're still alone.

Focus on what you need to do.  Focus on what you CAN do.  If it's unrealistic for you to buy designer clothes and hit the town every weekend, then don't waste time imagining how those activities would really bring you the man you want.

If there's a particular guy who's caught your eye, then spend less time gazing at him from a safe distance, talking to all your girlfriends about him, and more time getting to know him and creating that first connection (withOUT tripping yourself up by thoughts of what it would be like to be his girlfriend).

Easier said than done, I know. 

When the dust settles, all that matters is that you're able to honestly tell yourself, "I did my best."

And you can be sad afterwards.  I was.  You can wonder briefly if you'll never be able to find the perfect place (or man).  But don't wallow in those thoughts.  You can spend your time in better ways.

Like deciding what you're going to do next. 

12 Comments

Comment by Faith

August 10, 2006 @ 1:57 am

I like what you have said and I totally agree with you….instead of focusing on what men want (which we all know people have made millions telling women what men want), we should focus on what we want and just be ourselves. I just recently dated a man for 4 months…not long I know, he’s 47 and I’m 42 – I have no children, never been married and a have a wonderful supportive family, however, he told me in the beginning he was a pippi le pew…can’t spell…anyway, he loves the romance, but when you really get to know each other, he disappeared….everyone thought we were perfect for each other and he knew it as well…but was he perfect for me? he has a lot more baggage than I do and he’s retired military after 25 years…he has a temper and it appears that he used christianity and romance to lure me and my dad said, he just couldn’t hang and keep up with all this expensive dating and courting…but I trusted him and thought he was sincere in his efforts. He eventually changed in the last week we were together..nice one minute, sarcastic the next, and of course I never took the bait, I never had a fight with him…that’s not my style…I just cataloged everything he said and determined he’s a fake with an agenda and he only gives a woman 3 months…according to other women he has dated…so I’m hurt, but I know I can find another man and he’s probably realizing that after dating all these women since his divorce 5 years ago, that he may have met someone pretty special and just couldn’t handle it…he won’t talk to me all of a sudden, we didn’t break up….there wasn’t any talk to us not even seeing each other anymore and then all of sudden he wouldn’t return my usual call…it’s been a month and I just get the raised eyebrow deer in headlights look when I see him and of course I do nothing but just keep driving. He must be guilty about something, but I’ll never know…he lives just 1 minute away from me…he’s not seeing anyone else…I wonder if something happened in his personal life and he just pushed me away….I dont’ know whether to stop by when he’s in the yard or just keep ignoring him.

Comment by Ibiso

August 10, 2006 @ 2:26 am

Hi,

Amy’s article and what she said are actually very true. It seems to me as if she is talking directly to me. Most times we want something, but don’t know how to go about it.

Thanks so much for putting me in the right direction. I have forwarded this to my friends. It saves a lot from dreaming to making things happen.

Comment by Katrien De Moor

August 10, 2006 @ 5:45 am

Hi,

I found a lot of truth in this article. In fact I believe that we need to focus in our mind on what we want and not on what we do not want, maybe that is the easy part. The difficult part comes when we also need to let go. This implies expecting the best, all the time, without attachment, without hanging on to the result. We also need to see the synchronisity of events. There are no coincidences in life. Every event, every encounter, every situation has a hidden message for us.
Gratitude for what we already have achieved is also an important factor. Maybe we should try to live the present, in a way as if we had already exceeded our wildest dreams and being grateful for that.

It has been working for me and this is not only true for relationships but for all aspects of our life.

Comment by Hopeless Romantic

August 10, 2006 @ 7:52 pm

Hi,

I recently came out of a 4 year relationship 6 months too late! Whilst my ex was still reeling from the break-up I met a guy who I fell SO in love with, that I'm absolutely certain to this day, I would have taken a bullet for, within weeks of meeting him. The timing due to my recent break up was terrible and although I believe we both had fallen for each other, we reluctantly agreed to take time out until things calmed down around us. The break, turned our to be a break-up and for the past month I have been to hell and back emotionally because I had something taken from me that made me happier than I had ever been in my life! The experience made me believe that such emotion and feeling actually exists though and I'll be honest, I'm still trying to cope with not being able to be with him. It's a hard rollercoaster to ride!

Your article does ring true, it doesn't matter what people say or do YOU need to go through the motions. It's not pretty, and you do feel totally out of control and you may even start to hate yourself a little for allowing someone to "get" to you like that! But it does get easier each day and the sick feeling in your stomach and the emptiness in your heart does subside. Don't try to forget him, it won't work. Maybe just try to remember the person you were when you first noticed him and perhaps aim to be that person again – to be you again. One thing I learnt and I've said it before and it never sunk in, was that "Never try to control others, or expect them to behave as you would, you can only ever expect to control yourself and your own reactions – that way you'll rarely be dissapointed".

At the peak of my desperation, I wrote an email to this guy wanting an answer, a reaction, anything! I got my answer and the truth dawned on me so I sat down and whether he read my response or not, it didn't matter, I wrote it for me, for my broken heart, for my shattered pride and for every other woman out there who sometimes need a slap in the face to realise that she is too good to settle for anything less than what she wants and deserves so much more than what she convinces herself is acceptable behaviour! Find a copy online at:

http://www.melbcbd.com.au/letter.html

I hope you enjoy! Excuse some of the language (it's a little emotive) however I hope it will give hope to a few of you out there!

Isay this to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN OUT THERE ***************** One thing is for certain: if it’s not mutual love, it’s not really love!

Comment by thobekile

August 10, 2006 @ 9:06 pm

wow,where have you been all this time??????????????????
THIS IS AN AMAZING EMAIL,HAVE YOU BEEN CREEPING IN MY DREAMS??THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH IN MY LIFE,I’VE BEEN ASKING MYSELF QUESTIONS & WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FIND THE ANSWERS,ACTUALLY NONE OF MY FRIENDS COULD ANSWER MY QUESTIONS,BUT NOW ALL MY QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED THANX TO YOU.

Comment by Nesrine

August 10, 2006 @ 11:35 pm

Have you ever thought that the word “rumination” might have been put in the dictionary to describe what we women do in our lives?
This is an inspiring article for ruminators. Yes .. you are right .. most of us ladies just keep thinking and thinking and talking and talking about what we want and wonder why we are not getting it.
I’m not claiming to be in perfect control of everything. I’m saying that once I knew what I was doing was merely ‘ruminating’ about my problems, I relaized that I needed to stop.
This is closely related to the positive attitude this article is encouraging us to have.
Stop thinking .. Do Something

P.S.: Thank you Hopeles Romantic for an enlightening response

Comment by noran

August 11, 2006 @ 4:03 am

i realy have two main problems: irealy dont know how to attract men to me i just dont know how i never get a boy friend. i am realy shy and the only way to just not to show my shynes is to make fun with guys in my country i cant just invite men to lunch and its not proper to let them know our feelings toward them so heeeeeelppppppp

Comment by jennifer

August 11, 2006 @ 7:56 am

thank you

i couldnt stop reading till i got to the end! i use to have some much confidence but seem to have losted it, this really made me think about my life and how i use to be.

i will try harder to not just want things but to do something about it

thank u x

Comment by Laura

August 11, 2006 @ 11:03 pm

Thank you for this truly amazing article! I am currently struggling with the grieving process after my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years all of a sudden decided that (although “he loves me” and “will never find anyone who will ever love him the way that I do”), I am just not able to meet all of his “needs” and that he needs to find someone that can. I have been through the non-acceptance, bargaining and blaming phases. I retreat back to the non-acceptance of the situation but I am finding myself mostly angry now. My boyfriend and I live 60 miles apart from each other and for various reasons (beyond our control) neither was able to make the move. We both knew this going into the relationship. He is 41 and never married and always seemed content with our relationship. I am 44, divorced with 2 children, who are 13 and 10 now. Yes, I have tried desparately over the past two months to control and convince him that I am the woman that can meet his needs. I have let him see this out-of-control, extremely emotional side of me during our break-up, that I am sure has him scared to death. He always complimented me on how strong of a woman I am and I always had alot of self confidence and high self esteem. For the past two months, I have come home from work and gone straight to bed. (That is when the kids are at their dads, which is every other week) I have been hurting throughout my heart and soul. But then I moved into this angry phase and it feels alot better. I know I will get through this and I will be a better person because of it. I know that Greg and I will become friends again but it just is not going to happen right now. The acceptance of this loss is right around the corner. I have to be patient and continue to give the love I have in my heart to the people who love me back, unconditionally. Your article reinforces what I am only beginning to feel. Thank you!!!!

Comment by BlueAngel

August 12, 2006 @ 9:22 pm

Dear Amy,

I also agree with what you have said. The advice you gave is exactly the situation where I am in choosing the university i want to go. I am a student, i have chosen the university that i want to go but i end up going into another university. We dont always get what we want in life sometimes.

At the moment, i am not looking into a relationship yet. But the advice you gave can help me to prepare with the situation when i find one. Thank you!

Comment by Jan

August 25, 2006 @ 8:23 am

Hi, and that’s my story! I am so blue because all of my life I’ve wanted a man to love me. It’s just never come to me. There’s not a lot I can do because of financial restraints: I can’t afford a weekly manicure (and I can’t do it myself- I’ve tried), a monthly pedicure and simple things like that to make me feel better about myself. Right now, I’d be lying to say that I am inspired by your e-mail, even though it tells the truth. But my truth is that there just isn’t a whole lot I can do. I am 48 and the men mostly want someone young and smooth (understandably) and I just lost a fiance because he was looking at porn on the internet and arranged to get with one of the sluts. I am heartbroken and I feel like I will always be alone. I’m having a hard time accepting that, but at this point it is probably the best thing I can do for my head and my heart. Then I won’t worry about the manicures and pedicures and tans and facial treatments that I can’t afford. I know this is somewhat morose, but this is where I am at.

Comment by Ene

August 31, 2006 @ 12:24 am

Thank you so much Amy for been there for us.

This is what I got from this message.

People will treat you exactly the way you treat yourself. So every woman should believe in herself and treat herself like the queen she really is.

Don’t let anybody tell you less. There is nobody better than you. They may look better than you, that is because they have taken their time to creat what you see and believe they are.

Therefore, you can as well start today, to make yourself the woman you have always dreamt to be. If you keep waiting for some one to make you what you want to become, honey; it maybe too late. Nobody will be able to love you better than you love yourself.

This is to all the women out there.

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