I've discovered a pretty funny thing in my time here on Earth. Maybe it only applies to me, but it's certainly been proven true in my experience.
- The more I think about how much I want something, the less likely I am to get it.
- The more I focus on the process of getting something (without thinking too much about the object of my goal), the greater chance I have of getting it.
Case in point:
I'm looking for a home. After much hunting, I found the perfect place – a 10 out of 10 in my scale of perfect homes – perfect price, perfect location, and perfect size. I wanted the place sooo badly. I put an offer in, but someone else wanted that perfect place, too. When the dust settled, the other person's offer was accepted.
How do you think I felt? How would YOU feel?
Sad? Angry? As if the world was unjust? As if you'd missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and would never find anything that perfect again?
Or would you feel acceptance, knowing that you did everything you possibly could and that this was simply the way things turned out?
I don't think that any of us are really good at accepting that we aren't going to get something we desperately want. When it comes to things we really, REALLY desire, it's hard to be philosophical about the matter. Friends say kindly, "If it didn't happen, then it just wasn't meant to be." Others tell us to look at it as a learning experience: "Look how much you know now!" Still others might say, "There was probably something wrong with it anyway, so it's best that you didn't get it."
Do any of these mindset ring true when it comes to your dating experiences?
If there's a man you really, REALLY like, how do you react when it appears that he doesn't feel the same way? Are you philosophical about it, or do you focus on the pain of not getting what you wanted?
If you really, REALLY want to find a man and get married, how do you feel when it seems like every man you date turns out to be a dud? Do you feel discouraged and decide that fate is telling you that you're never going to get a man, or do you feel like you're getting somewhere by learning something new from each experience?
I'm not saying that you have to be a Pollyanna. What I am saying is that there's more than one way to look at every situation, and some of those ways make life a lot more fun and enjoyable than others.
It seems to me that the mindset you adopt when you try to achieve your goals matters as much as your actions. When you do anything from a place of wanting, you can jinx yourself. In your blind pursuit of what you want, you can miss something important, such as a clue telling you that what you want isn't actually what's best for you at all. You end up focusing on the object of your desire so much that your wanting grows out of proportion.
For example, have you ever "kind of" liked a guy, but then after talking about how cute and smart and funny he was with friends and family, you suddenly decided that you HAD to have him and that your life wouldn't be worth anything unless he noticed you?
I've known students who've focused so much on how MUCH they want to get into a particular university that they erased from their minds any possibility that they might not get in. Rather than remaining realistic, asking a lot of questions, and getting an honest assessment of their chances from the recruitment officer, these students assume that the magnitude of their desire would be enough. When the university sends them a rejection letter, they can't believe it. "But I really, REALLY want to go there! Why won't they let me in? Don't they know how much I want to go there?"
Do you see where I'm going with this? Of course you do.
Really, REALLY wanting something (a boyfriend, a man, a husband) isn't going to do you any good when it comes to actually getting yourself one.
Just because you want a man doesn't mean that you'll get one "just because," any more than you'll lose weight by thinking how much you want to lose weight.
Focus on what you need to do to get the results you want. Then do it.
If you want a man, then think about the steps you need to take to meet more attractive, available men. Make a plan. DO SOMETHING. Don't just lie alone in your bed at night and dream of a fantasy man or hate yourself because you're still alone.
Focus on what you need to do. Focus on what you CAN do. If it's unrealistic for you to buy designer clothes and hit the town every weekend, then don't waste time imagining how those activities would really bring you the man you want.
If there's a particular guy who's caught your eye, then spend less time gazing at him from a safe distance, talking to all your girlfriends about him, and more time getting to know him and creating that first connection (withOUT tripping yourself up by thoughts of what it would be like to be his girlfriend).
Easier said than done, I know.
When the dust settles, all that matters is that you're able to honestly tell yourself, "I did my best."
And you can be sad afterwards. I was. You can wonder briefly if you'll never be able to find the perfect place (or man). But don't wallow in those thoughts. You can spend your time in better ways.
Like deciding what you're going to do next.