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Sarah forwarded me the following consultation she did for a member of 000Relationships.com, and I felt that it was so beautiful that I asked her if I could share it with you here. [Parts have been edited from the original consultation.]
Waking up and realizing you are running out of time to find a soulmate is a scenario that is not to uncommon for a number of women in their mid to late 30s. In fact, it happens all the time. But while this happens all the time, I am continually baffled why this happens. Where in society or in your own individual programming does it say that in order to have achieved you have to have a man? You want a man, yes, but outwardly believing that you are running out of time puts you in a destructive mindset in which you project your impatience and expectation upon others.
Your first step is to believe that it will happen. It will happen. And, in believing that you will find someone, you will start to live your reality. You may have been hurt in your previous relationships. That’s understandable. But you have also probably loved and been loved in your past relationships, too. Which part of your past do you choose to bring with you? The hurt, or the love?
Each relationship you are in offers you the opportunity to meet a different man and learn something more about yourself and the type of man you are looking for. Trying to recreate your past is not going to work. We need to stop comparing our future relationships to our past ones and have faith that each man we meet is going to be even better than the last.
My recommendation is to have some patience and enjoy living in the present. Enjoy each man you meet and each experience you have, and look upon each experience as bringing you closer to your destiny. The key to finding love again is to change your perspective and be in a position where you can understand and appreciate it when it comes. It may not be the consuming lust of your teenage years, but it may be packaged differently.
Focus on the journey, not the destination.
Comment by Susan
May 25, 2006 @ 10:31 am
I really think this is a good article because so many women can relate to it. I know I have felt like that for the last five years. (I’m 35) But I have also read a lot of positive thinking self help books and I do believe that you get what you are expecting. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Susan
Comment by Debbie Cole
June 14, 2006 @ 8:09 pm
Yes, many women get stressed out. I even sought therapy as a result. I’m 35 now. My therapist said many women seek therapy in their 30s, wondering why they’re still single and what they can do to fix it. I get tired of the articles saying we don’t need a man. It’s a biological thing that we should pair up with someone. There’s no way around it. I was dating so many men about a year ago to try and find a relationship. None of them seemed to be right for me. One guy was talking about his stomach surgery during dinner! Eew. Even the ones I liked didn’t like me back. It was surreal. I did meet someone eventually (sort of by accident). I really will never know if I am settling or not with him. He’s a decade younger than me, but swears he loves me and wants to get married. It’s weird because he’s so inexperienced, but then…it’s sort of sweet too. Plus, what’s up with everyone always trying to break you up saying there’s someone better out there? Have you noticed those people are always single? I have.
Anyway, the real kicker is that when we meet someone in our 30s finally, are we settling or is it for real? I guess we never really ever know the answer if this one is ‘the one’. Either way, I’d rather be with someone than alone (unless it’s abusive). My longest relationship was almost a decade ago, so it’s not like I am not used to being single. I just finally realized I don’t want to do it any longer.
Debbie
Comment by Audrey Dansbury
June 16, 2006 @ 12:09 am
i want a man ,but it's really crazy out here now ,but i don't have a promble being alone.
Comment by Colleen
June 21, 2006 @ 2:38 am
Being 35, I can certainly relate. However, I believe that it is better to be alone and single than being with the ‘wrong’ person. Because if you ARE with the ‘wrong’ person, it literally can be a ‘hell on earth’ existence for you and that is not healthy at all.
Comment by allison
June 21, 2006 @ 4:23 am
i’m now 30 and i learned the hard way i got married when i was 24 had two kids i went into this relationship because i was lonely and i was getting older it turned out to be a big mistake as he was abusive. 7yrs later i am now back to square 1 but with two children i finally got out of the marriage but now i’m scared incase i make the same mistake again.
Comment by Sam
March 22, 2007 @ 7:39 pm
I am 34 years old. Last summer I was so desperate to find a man and get married that I got engaged to a guy after 4 days I met him. Apparently I was happy to finally find a man but in my heart I knew he was not worth it. I met this guy through familly, he was unemployed, was weared, talking all the time about homosexuals…but he was very handsome.I was engaged to him for 3 months and it was a hell, I think this guy used me to get his revenge from the whole universe…Result: I suffered unnecessarily. Finally I broke up with him. It is really not worth it to be with a man just for not being alone. We deserve to have a good man who cares about us, even if it takes long time to find him, never accept less.
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