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Do Men Just Want Sex?

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

posted by amy

I want to thank Lauren for sending in this question:

"I have read all of your articles everytime you sent to me. Thanks for keep on reminding us don't think that all guys are look after sex. But I have had many experience that to prove that they are really all look after sex, they don't even know what true love is all about. Can you help me to overcome this?"

As a woman, this is one of the biggest challenges you will face in relationships: negotiating a man's desire for sex with your desire for the "something more" of true love.

Yes, all men want is sex.  Let's get that fact out into the open.  Men are wired to have a super-high sex drive in comparison to women.  According to Barbara and Allen Pease's book, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, the human sex center has a specific location in the brain (the hypothalamus) and can be weighed and measured.  Lo and behold, the part of the brain responsible for sex drive is larger in men than in women.  Added to the fact that men have 10 to 20 times more testosterone (a hormone responsible for stimulating the sex drive) than women, it's easy to see why over half of all men think about sex every day or several times a day (Source: Sex in America).

One commonly-given reason for the high male sex drive emerges from the cloudy history of human evolution, in which the aim of our ancestors was to procreate and ensure the survival of the species.  Men were driven by a biological imperative to spread their seed far and wide.  Women, on the other hand, knowing that they would need a supportive partner during the years it takes to raise a human infant to adulthood, tended to hold off casual sex in order to search for commitment.

So that's the science, but what does it mean for us?  Knowing the "why" and "how" of the human sex drive doesn't help us much when it comes to interpreting our experiences today.  Yes, men may have a higher sex drive, but they live in a modern world where culture privileges monogamy.

Here's one hopeful fact: the male sex drive peaks at age 19, while the female sex drive doesn't peak until age 36 to 38.  Could it be that if we just wait long enough, we'll meet a man more interested in love than sex?  Or will we be the ones at that point wanting sex more than love (e.g. Desperate Housewife syndrome)?  Here's what Barbara and Allen Pease have to say about such "December-May" pairings:

"A man's sexual performance level at age 19 is more compatible with a woman in her late 30s to early 40s … [while] the sex drive of a man in his 40s is compatible with a woman in her early 20s….  There is usually around a 20-year age difference between these older/younger combinations." (p.194)

Yikes, but I don't want to date a man 20 years older (or younger).  So what am I supposed to do?

Here's the answer.

  1. Don't expect a young man to be as interested in monogamy as you are.  In his late teens and early twenties, it will take a special man to be less interested in sowing his oats than in having sex with the same woman for the rest of his life.
  2. Respect your man's sex drive.  If your man told you that PMS was all in your head and that you shouldn't have wild mood swings/cravings/cramps, you would tell him he didn't know what he was talking about, wouldn't you?  Well, just as hormones can cause you to go a bit batty, so his hormones can control him at times.  Understand that his sex drive is part of his biology and not an indicator of immorality or licentiousness.  Women are not the "purer" sex because we have a smaller hypothalamus and lower levels of testosterone.
  3. Realize that his sex drive does not define him.  This, I think, is the most crucial fact of all: your man is more than his sex drive.  I love what Alexandra Penney has to say about this is her book How to Keep Your Man Monogamous:

"A woman must recognize that her mate is part boy, part adolescent, part man.  The boy in him wants to know that she really cares for him and his well-being.  The adolescent wants to know that he's the object of her whole sexuality; the mature man wants to know that she's proud of him, approves of him." (p.90)

Understand and respect your man's sex drive, but if he is truly a man (and not a boy), he'll have a focus and a purpose in life.  He'll want to advance in his career and contribute to his community.  He'll appreciate the stability of a partner who supports, respects, and challenges him in his journey through life.  He may even find that he desires the respect and status that marriage can give him.

As you begin to attract higher-quality men, you'll find that these men are about much more than sex.  In fact, highly successful men in business learn how to channel their sex drive into their pursuits and passions.  (Napoleon Hill's seminal book on achieving success Think and Grow Rich, encourages men to do just this.)

As long as you keep these concepts in mind – that younger men are the least likely to be interested in monogamy, that your man's sex drive is part of who he is but does not define him, and that a man who hasn't learned to "transmute" his sex drive into other forms of achievement may remain at a lower level of growth – then you'll be able to make honest, informed decisions about whether a man is a suitable candidate for a long-term, monogamous partnership.

25 Comments

Comment by Ann

September 6, 2006 @ 3:05 am

Hello Amy,
I love your mails, don’t always agree with you, but they sure give me a lot of reading pleasure and insight on how other women look at relationships.

Just a quick reaction on this mail (as it is on my favourite topic :-)).

I am always surprised to hear that women have a lower sexual drive than men. If scientifically it is proven to be so, than there are a lot of ‘abnormal’ men and women out there. I simply that some people simply have a lower sexual drive than others.
Ideally, your partner has a similar sex drive as you. Otherwise, one of you will constantly have to have more sex than they actually want, or less than they would like…I believe that matching sexually with your partner is the most important part in a relationship – otherwise you would just be friends, right?
Cheers,
Ann.

Comment by Dede

September 6, 2006 @ 3:57 am

Hi,
i just want to say that i needed this mail very much cause i’m with aman how doesn’t know how to tell me that he loves me without sex i started to hat that he doesn’t talk to me so much and that just makes me feel bad but iknow that he loves me and i do love him but i just need little mor comunication without sex u know
thanks

Comment by Arle

September 6, 2006 @ 4:03 am

This article brought relief to me, to know that what I expected to be true is true. I have been in several wierd relationships in the last few years, where I ended up with “men” who didn’t want sex. One felt that once every 4-6 months would do and the last claimed he used to want it every day, yet could go 6 weeks or longer with no interest. I thought there must be something wrong with me!! Now, I know I have a high sex drive, but ideally it should meet most men’s according to this article. (Whew!)
What is it with men who don’t want sex? Are they secretly gay? Ill? I mean, these fellows supposedly wanted me in their life. And went in knowing I had a high sex drive. Then did an about face on me when the relationship was deep enough that I felt obligated to make it work. I don’t understand men like this. I don’t think I want to either. I just want to know how to avoid them forever and find a normal man, warts and all!!

Comment by Maria Dulcina Correia, Santos

September 6, 2006 @ 9:17 am

I think that if we’re looking at the same direction, that we could getoff to a good start, that’s you and your partner.

Comment by Niki

September 6, 2006 @ 10:27 am

Yes, your right most men don't what sex but there fantisy it about doing sex i know about this things okay

Comment by Carol

September 6, 2006 @ 12:55 pm

I’m a 49 year old female, and you know the saying if I knew then? Men are all about sex, I don’t care about their socioeconomic status. And they all cheat. My advice to all young women is DON’T sleep with him if you want a relationship. I’ve played all the angles and wasted my life. The biggest mistake you can make is letting them know you love them, you always have to keep them guessing, they can’t be sure they really have you, even if you are married. I bought into the fairy tale and it is just that. And it ruined my life. There is no happy ever after. Look at Christy Brinkley and learn a lesson from her. It doesn’t matter who you are. The fact of life is men screw around period. No exceptions. The man I am with now I don’t love and he adores me. That’s always the way it has been.

Comment by Fiona

September 6, 2006 @ 2:17 pm

I am 34 years old and can see two sides to this. I would consider that men assume that women who have sex want a relationhsip however at times this can be further from the truth. Sometimes females too just want the physical experience without attatchmnet – probably not often..?
Further to this I totally agree with the notion of the female sex increasing with age.

Comment by Hellen

September 6, 2006 @ 5:30 pm

I am 38 years old and have commited myself into two serious relations which just turn out to hurt my feelings. Men are cheats however how much they claim to love and they never express their love by communicating, they general assume that by having sex with you they express their love. That could have been true if they could stick to only one women but since they go screwing around like they don't have any direction, it is hard to tell if they really love as they cannot claim to love all the women they screw around. It is unfortunate that we must have them in our lives.

Comment by bukola

September 6, 2006 @ 6:59 pm

Good article.been a long time i ve read such a good article.gives you an insight and a better understanding about men.one of the best.

Comment by tina

September 6, 2006 @ 7:17 pm

i agree with you in some points. Now, my question is what if the woman is interested in sex more than the man?
Actually most of the articles i read are supposing that men have higher sex drive than women,what if her sex drive is more active than his?
hope you discuss this issue… thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

Comment by tomi

September 6, 2006 @ 8:07 pm

Thanks for this wonderful article.Todays article stands to be my immediate need at this time.Am facing similar problem with my present relationship,and am at the point of telling him to keepoff if he cant do without sex. Amy, can you please help me with how to make him see reasons that his sexual energy should be directed to something meaningful.

Comment by Marie Jacquelyne

September 7, 2006 @ 1:23 am

Hah! The scientists are all bull about men having higher sex drives. Just excuses to cheat. Plain fact is men love to spread their seed around. Every man I meet want a child from me because am so beautiful that the child will be like me..hogwash! Men are men and some are mature and know how to control themselves to one woman. It’s all in the head! The education at home also is important. I raised my sons to be with just one woman and that is what they do. They don’t cheat on the woman they are with. My grandsons are the same and highly faithful to boot.
When I meet men, I tell them I am looking for a partner and no sex before marriage. If the person is looking just for sex..he disappears once he sees you are serious about it.
I have been through more men than I can count but I know I will meet the man who will want the same as me. He is out there, patience is the thing. Knowing what you want and what you don’t want.
Better be alone and happy than not yoked properly and crying.
True love doesnt mean you have to keep him guessing and chasing you. Women have bigger brains than men and yet they call us Dumb blonds etc. So this testerone thing is just bull.
I am 63 and I have a higher sex drive then when I was 20 and it keeps on going like the pink rabbit in the commercials. My hormone gland must be bigger than a man’s cause I never say no to sex when I am with a man. I can have it anytime, 3-4 times a day if I can get it.
So Scientists how about examining my hormone gland. hahaha. Girls don’t let yourself be hogwashed by scientists..after all..they are MEN and are not about to say different.
My fiancรƒฦ’ร‚ยฉ is 36..so that should tell u something..right ๐Ÿ™‚

Comment by LRN

September 7, 2006 @ 6:43 pm

Hi Amy,

Thank you so much for the article. As you said, respect your man’s sex drive. Understand that his sex drive is part of his biology and not an indicator of immorality or licentiouness. How about if our man went and have sex with a couple (one man and one woman)? He don’t even know this couple, they invited him from the internet and he went and have sex with them (3 in 1 together)! Animals might have different partners every time they have sex but I’m sure they won’t have sex in group or more than 1 partner at the same time! Now, human being having sex with group or more than 1 partner at the same time, don’t you think they are worst than animals??? Where is the moral and humanity? I am 38 and he is 40 year old. He is a Christian and he involves in a lot of activities in the church, he sings in the choir, he reads bible in the morning service, he attends cell meeting, etc… So, he always keep his image up by acting and pretending that he is a very sacred person in the church and infront of all his friends. But behind that, he did that kind of immorality activities. I can really feel his love whenever we are together and he told me that I am the woman he is looking for in his life. I can believe that too because I really can sense his love for me. Now, his explaination on why he did such kind of immorality activities is because of his previous broken heart been rejected and betrayed by his x-girlfriends. He has failed in a couples of relationship before he knew me and since then he has involved into such kind of unhealthy sexual life. Since he knew me, he said he is trying to change and want to get back to a normal healthy life but whenever someone offers or invites him for that kind of sex, he still can’t avoid it like an alcoholic, he got addicted to it. Can you advise me, should I forgive him or accept him and respect his sex drive because it is part of his biology? Is there anything that I can do to help him out or help him to get rid of that kind of immorality sexual life? Hope you can give me some useful advice. Thanking you in advance.

LRN

Comment by Maria

September 9, 2006 @ 3:30 am

I have quite a few female friends who complain about their men becoming uninterested in sex (usually after the first year together). This has happened to me way too many times myself. I really think if a woman has learned to properly enjoy sex, has orgams and is healthy she usually has more of a sex drive than a man.

I have never ever been with a man who can keep up with me sexually. I would be happy with several times a day. I am with a man 17 years my junior and still am unsatisfied occasionally, however I do not cheat. Sex is wonderful but it is not worth betraying a good relationship. I would like more but I try to be happy with what I can get because otherwise things are pretty good between us.

I WISH he had a higher sex drive than me, or even an equal one. I’ve never ever found a man who does.

Comment by Janet

September 10, 2006 @ 1:06 pm

I agree with the last comment. I have never met a man who could keep me sexually satisfied. I am slender, attractive, loving and intelligent and sexually appealing, but none of that seems to help after the intial phase of the relationship. I have never met a man who could maintain the supposed national average of two to three times per week. I am personally concerned over the high and increasing rate of men addicted to internet pornography and using masturbation as their main sexual outlet, leaving little sex, affection, or attention left for their wives. Has anyone else noticed this problem?

Comment by Valerie

September 10, 2006 @ 9:27 pm

Thank yoi for this article, now I just wish men could understand this concept where some women do have a low sex drive, because the man im with he believes that women should be equal in the sex dept, he thinks we should go at it all the time, I am not one of those women that want to be in the sheets all the time. I try to explain that there is more to a relationship besides sex, there is the support, companionship, interests, and the understanding of the other significant.

Comment by Nanise

September 11, 2006 @ 1:16 pm

Hello Amy,

Thank you for your e-mails. It’s great reading and understanding the male species behaviour. Now I know why my men sex drive is forever increasing!

Thanks again.
Nanise

Comment by Lala

September 11, 2006 @ 10:14 pm

Thanks for your emails. I find them very helpful in that to me i can see i am not alone in the problems i am encountering.

My husband has been off sex for the past three (3) years and he thinks its just OK. That was after the birth of our second baby.

During the past three years i got tempted at some stage to have an affair. I met a man who according to me, only wanted me for as long as i dished out sex to him everyday and that was just undearable. Without sex, we were never even friends because he would be so furious and sometimes not even talk to me until i had sex with him. So I called it off given that that was clearly not what i wanted.

So, I find myself in a position where i dont understand men altogether. But i am sure my sex drive is normal. I cant go without sex for three years at my age (33 yrs) but at the same time i cant be spanking everyday.

Indeed its unfortunate that we have to have men in our lives, but they are a weird species of humankind.

Thanks,

Lala

Comment by walli

September 12, 2006 @ 3:09 pm

First, not all men cheat… there are men out there that are loyal and loving, however, many women aren’t attracted to these guys because they seem so “nice.”
(Perhaps they have low testosterone).

As for the woman who wrote that her fiance was addicted to sex with two-somes and three-somes, in spite of the conflict it creates with his Christian upbringing and his outward Christian appearance, that is a problem. The problem is that not everyone equates morality with sexuality.

What I’m saying is that I believe it’s perfectly possible to be an honest, decent person who is caring and loving but who doesn’t want strictly conventional sex. If this is the kind of guy you’re with, I wouldn’t waste my time trying to change him, because my guess he’s probably not going to be happy in a “traditional” one-on-one relationship, and if you think you’re the woman who can change that, you’re probably letting yourself in for a lot of heartache.

Finally, I also agree that many women I know are highly sexed and that includes women well over 45 and 50.

Comment by Lils

September 25, 2006 @ 4:48 pm

Thank you so much for the article. It is as if someone has directed me to this site. I am in a strange relationship where my partner broke up our conventional relationship over a year ago saying his 13 year old son does not approve of a second marriage. (We are Asians). But because of our mutual love for each other we got back together without any plans for the future. He migrated overseas to educate his son and we now live in two different continents. Sex was good between us as still is when we meet twice a year!!! I was pretty naive to believe him when he said that he is faithful and only assuages his sexual needs by himself!! But just last week I discovered from a couple of sms messages that he is sneaking out at night to sleep with his best buddy’s wife who is also in that country educating her children while the buddy is here back home. It shattered me to no end and I still do not know what to do. But I just can’t seem to give up on the relationship and believe him when he says he is counting the days to come home to me for Christmas. Can someone please help me understand this? He is 45 and I am 44.

Comment by Chase

October 12, 2006 @ 5:31 am

I think we are who we are. Our religions can somewhat guide us to what we call morality. But one thing I can say is that when we men do get older we tend to stabalize and look toward a future. Where as the young woman goes directley into a relationship with this though. Now we are on different time lines. I now see why men in their 40's tend to want girls in their tweenties and thirties(stated in the above artical), (not always for sex!!! We realize we want a furture together). They are still somewhat wired for a future and life together and are on the same time line. Now the 40 something year old woman is devistated about her fairytale of a long lasting relationship. Now what does she do…start having sex with younger men to get back to a point in time when her young boyfriend told her he would be with her forever, and that she would be treated like a Princess (THE THOUGHT OF HER BEING SOMEONES PRINCESS…this is the fairytale women buy every time, over and over again!…never happens!). This line alone is the most important line though…"I want to take care of you"…Men at that age will tell her whatever they think she want to here. Some women really think that when a man has sex with her and tells her what she wants to hear…she's loved! Tring to go back to that point with someone else and fix things…will hurt her in the same way once again…Going to a young man for that fairytale all over! Men don't do this…we just go along on our natural time line. Ever wonder why a woman keep going for the same type of guy?…she's stuck on her natural time line! My advise to women…who are in new relationships is to avoid topics on sex and sex in general. If you can love someone and they can love you before sex…that is a great start for a meaningful relationship (if this is what you want…a relationship, women just often want sex too). IF YOU HEAR…"don't be so uptight", "you need to loosen up", "ever have a one night stand?", Wow you are too serious, "When's the last time you had sex?", ever have sex with a girl?…a threesome?", So what's the crazyest place you've had sex?", Do you see…sex with men is the foremost topic and goal with a woman. Just sit back and let him unfold his game…Don't lead him too much though…he will get wise. You will be amazed how simple minded we are..watch the ego take flight! He will tell you exactly what he is looking for. You owe it to yourself to see his true intentions with you…The worst thing a woman can do is not want to know the truth. That elusive fairytale is also a womans drive and goal.

Comment by Patty Pereira

October 19, 2006 @ 9:31 pm

It trully depends on the guy, there are some that want to feel the desire, that they need to be “the man” and others that need to feel loved, I think is all about personalities, and the most important thing is to find the guy for you… ๐Ÿ˜‰

Comment by Gypsy

November 7, 2006 @ 4:46 pm

Hello!

Thank you for the article.

I am very new here but I found the articles very interesting and informative.

Is it possible to give my email address to LRN, Maria, Lala, Lils… I just want to share with them a “technique” that might help….

Thanks!

Gypsy

Comment by KCROC

May 26, 2007 @ 2:02 pm

Hi Ladies,
I don’t usually respond to these things but I came across this statement, and It brought something emotional out of me………It’s something I’ve been saying for………forever, and never could get this from any woman I’ve ever been envolved with.
This is what I have always looked for in a woman but, pusuit of it, and not obtaining it, has caused me to become a different person today.

‘Understand and respect your man’s sex drive, but if he is truly a man (and not a boy), he’ll have a focus and a purpose in life. He’ll want to advance in his career and contribute to his community. He’ll appreciate the stability of a partner who supports, respects, and challenges him in his journey through life. He may even find that he desires the respect and status that marriage can give him.

…….And may I Place emphasis on’Supports,respects, and especially, Challenges him………’, because for me, if these things were what I was getting from my women, sex would have been her last concern. unbelievable,
Not all men want to have sex with everyone they see. Quite a few want to be commited, to one women, but don’t get one or more of the above mentioned………….I’d say, requirements………
A man dose need to feel that he is “The Man” in her life..
Thanks for letting me butt in.
KCROC

Comment by Lynn

July 14, 2007 @ 2:46 pm

I’ve found some emails very helpful & enjoyed them. I am 34 years old & have been dating since I’m 17. I firmly believe that no man will stay with the woman he’s dating for long if she is not giving him sex. There is alot of casual sex going on and it makes me sick. I have a strong appetite for sex but I would rather be married so I could be with one man all the time (god bless my future husband, ugh)But in today’s day and age, it is very hard to find a man who will commit. Even if you respect his life/lifestyle/choices! It doesn’t matter. I’ve tried the respect and patience thing. It doesn’t get you far, just them taking advantage of you. And I’m athletic, good looking, work, go to school, I clean, cook, have a good heart…It’s hard out there. I get very disheartened to the point it depresses me. Men are just so different from us. It’s a hit or miss. Plain and simple.

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