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Five Rules for Happiness

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

posted by amy

A friend recently sent me five simple rules to be happy, and I found them so beautiful that I wanted to share them with you.

  1. Free your heart from hatred.
  2. Free your mind from worries.
  3. Live simply.
  4. Give more.
  5. Expect less.

Although these five rules are simple, they can be so difficult to practice.  Take the first rule: to free your heart from hatred.

It can be so hard to release the angry feelings we have when someone we've cared about treats us badly or rejects us rudely.  I know so many women who hang on to angry feelings about their ex-partners.  Every time dates are discussed, the old stories are brought out: reasons not to trust men, the shortcomings all men have, and why being single is better than risking getting hurt again.

By being unable to forgive and let go, these women end up blaming or being suspicious of all men.  In their hearts, they've judged the male race and found them guilty.  Yet buried beneath that hatred is a part of them that wishes their judgment wasn't true: a part of them that longs for harmony and intimacy.

Alison Armstrong from PAX Programs teaches a seminar called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women.  In the seminars, women are asked to make a vow.  No more men-bashing.  No more generalizing about all men on the basis of a few individuals.  No more making sweeping assumptions about "all men."  No more treating men as the enemy.

A friend of mine who frequently attends the PAX seminars told me that the vow is oddly liberating, yet challenging.  She said that she never realized until that day how often she spoke negatively about men.

Think about it.  How often have you said one of the following?

"Men don't have a clue what we women do for them."
"Women have to do everything for men; they're incapable of taking care of themselves."
"All men want is sex."
"Guys are just looking for a good time; they don't care about who they hurt in the process."
"Men are so stupid sometimes."
"Why can't men be more like women?"

When you prepare your heart for happiness, the first step you need to take is to free your heart of all lingering negativity towards men.

Forgive your exes.  No matter what they did to you, it is in the past.  Don't allow them to continue to damage your life by leaving you with a lingering suspicion or distrust of men.  Realize that your exes were simply human; like all humans, men and women alike, they made mistakes.  Forgive them and let it go.

Consider attending one of Alison Armstrong's seminars.  If you can't attend, then at the very least make a promise to yourself: you will stop men-bashing.  Even if a group of your female friends start talking about the 101 ways in which men fall short of perfection, make a vow to yourself that you won't join in.  Men aren't perfect, but neither are women.

As you learn to enjoy the company of men, appreciating the ways in which they are different from women, not holding a grudge against any man, you'll find that something incredible happens.  Men will start seeking out your company.  You'll find strange men striking up conversations with you.  Men can tell when they're in the presence of a woman who loves and appreciates men.  In fact, it's one of the most attractive traits women can have.

And if it makes you happier, why not give it a try? 

13 Comments

30

Comment by Joanna

April 19, 2006 @ 4:20 am

This commentary has a parallel with a show I watched tonight on TV. The name of the show is “What About Brian.” The TV premiere was cleverly inserted into the slot of my absolute favorite show “Gray’s Anatomy” Sunday night obviously because those of us whom find that kindred spirit in Gray’s, have already been pegged a particular stereotype whom would find interest in “Brian”. Well, my first reaction last night that Gray’s got bumped for this new show was not pretty. I generally refrain from profanity. I especially refrain from profanity towards inanimate objects. I filled my quota last night. Hunkered down in bed, a glass of white wine to my left, big glass of water for the night to the left of that, I was eagerly awaiting “my” show as if I had invited company over for dinner. Yes. Pathetic is the single life at times…. I will be the first to admit it. Anyway; here is the promo for Brian and I am fuming. I watch the screen to see if there was someone out there with a brain to explain what in the world was going on!!!! Lo and Behold an explanation was posted that told the viewer that regular programming would commence the following Sunday at the regular scheduled time. I have very few shows I go out of my way to watch. Gray’s is one of them. SO…here I am…. Not happy at all. But guess what??????? Nothing worthwhile to watch anywhere else and I am too tired to read. Of course the situation would be different if I had extended cable. In all truth, I pay $9.95 a month and get about 12 channels. But, for a creative soul that is very good. Better would be NO TV at all. Back to my point: Here is a show coming on, nothing else rivals it or so it seems. I’ll watch it.
I now have 2 must see shows. Gray’s and Brian. By the end of the show I did feel a bit melancholy. I once had the world by the short hairs at a younger and more vibrant time in my life. Never really knew how much I should have appreciated it. Never thought the value would diminish. Never thought I would be 50 without the incredible body I once owned. Don’t get me wrong…. I am working on the “NEW” me. New brain, new soul, all cleaned and bleached by the “sunlight” and hung out to dry in the fresh cleansing air. But facts are facts…life continues at that cadence that most of us have a hard time to keep up with on a good day. I am fortunate to be blessed with great genes although if someone were to offer me a ‘lift’, (don’t care where) I would be willing. Realize I am talking plastic. Anyway…this show “Brian” pulled so many of the issues that we deal with all the time and threw them on the mat for us to see. Back in “the day” there was “30 Something”. I never really liked that show. I cannot remember the names of one particular couple because they were so contrived. But in contrast, “Brian” is familiar. Too familiar. There is reality playing here. OH…excuse me. When the show’s female pediatrician’s finance comes home from a night out with the boys clearly intending to do some heavy flirting, he has in tow a stack of Bridal mags……for HIM !!!!!!??????? Sorry. I have had some totally awesome men in my day. But never ever could I have even dreamt this one up. Sorry.
In any event, I suppose the show was successful because what it did was bring me back onto memory lane to most of those events portrayed on the show. I must say, it bothers me now that I never really knew what I had until it was gone. I really never knew I was ‘hot’. But what is much more than that; I never understood my value. I hope that the girls that watch “Brian” and “Grays” will glean the message I certainly believe to be the marrow of the moment, which I missed in those most awesome years. Love yourself. Yes those were good and great times. Sometimes for some of us it is our oxygen on those days when kids and commitments and endless chores seem to dictate our lives. Yes, good memories because we were making them and having a great time doing so. But in all reality would we want to do them the same way now? Probably not. We know now in our wiser years that everything we did in the past could have been tweaked. But that isn’t the issue here. Just a ‘head’s up’ as to what we need to do for ourselves now. That is no simple task at least when we really find out what we are all about. To undo the lies we grew up to believe were truths. Just that, is one immense task that if we are lucky, or fortunate, or, what I prefer to consider “blessed”, we will and can figure out. There is no easy answer to how to find the right guy but I do believe that if we continue to look inside, way deep inside, with the help and mentoring of older and wiser women we will be able to at least get a better handle on what we are all about inside which would lead to that air of confidence that ultimately attracts the opposite sex. Finally…this was also a lesson for me to “Live for today”. Twenty years from now I will think to myself, “Wasn’t it a shame I didn’t know how good I was then?”

32

Comment by wafae

April 19, 2006 @ 7:16 am

that great , i like it a lot , after i read this , im really happy now , thanx so much , but i still need more informations about how to let my man near me forever … thanx

34

Comment by jess

April 19, 2006 @ 9:52 am

Dont u think that women have these beliefs about men because they have taken on certain things that men have told them over the years and thus have suffered a loss of self esteem. The negative comments about men are just a “mask” a projection defense mechanism – its the only alternative to actually believing what these men have said and what we sub concsiously believe about ourselves (ie I must be unworthy if I havent been able to make a relationship work by now). I dont believe that giving more and wanting less will cure self esteem. I believe that not relying on men for approval and finding love within oneself and for oneself is the only way and once one loves oneself and there is love within your life, then women wont generalise men into a negative group and thus be free to face dating from a healthy viewpoint.

35

Comment by MsCha

April 19, 2006 @ 10:29 am

I think we need to put an emphasis on “being human”. Just like women are human, men are human and need to go through a process. I feel men after a break-up need to heal from heartache and pain just as women do. Women may take a little longer because women tend to be more emotional. After the healing process (sometimes it can take years) then it’s safe to apply to the ‘rules to being happy’. I currently hate my husband right now for hurting me and definitely not caring about what he did to me. But that doesn’t mean after I’ve healed I won’t ever be a positive individual and find love again. I’ll admit when you are bitter you come off unattractive to everyone, not just the opposite sex. I honestly feel after our divorce I won’t ever speak to him but that doesn’t mean I will never find love again (yes I hate him, and always will….the son of a #@!$!). Bottom line is we’re all human and yes we all make mistakes. I learned a lesson from my situation and I’m going to take that knowledge and move on even if it means raising a child through hatred. Reason: My son will most likely learn from our experience and have a heads up on life. That’s means more to me than getting hatred out of my heart, my love for him will teach him one of the biggest lessons one can learn, ‘Love is a verb, not a feeling’–Mort Fertel….

36

Comment by Cori

April 19, 2006 @ 12:43 pm

I really appreciated the article and think you can apply it to more than just men but people as a whole and I think it’s a principle to live by. – Thank you for taking time to write it and send it to us.

41

Comment by Gail

April 19, 2006 @ 5:18 pm

I think that if we stopped looking for MR right and our dream of who we believe he is then,we all would find our own happiness.Love then would find us.Just relax and be happy for who you are.LOVE YOU and you will be loved.This is what I NOW do and love follows me every where and some are pretty good looking.

42

Comment by melissa

April 19, 2006 @ 6:45 pm

this article is just what i needed to start off my day and to start off a new term…
i know a friend who was hurt by a man recently and i think ill forward this article to her because shes been doing a lot of man-bashing and hating ever since…
thanks for all your advice, u r making better women of us!

48

Comment by Bucky

April 20, 2006 @ 12:02 am

In fact, Sarah is as if you know what I’m going thru. And i recently have a guy that cares so much for me that i still could state it out in my heart if this is gonna work. Thanks so much i’ll work on this in fact right i’m already having a change of mind and attitude.

Onece again, thanks I’ll give a feedback on how it goes.

Bucky

49

Comment by nicolene

April 20, 2006 @ 12:46 am

I’ve done that ages ago and it’s true men and all men knows the woman who takes every man as a single person rather than an army of “all alikes”. I’m now well known as a woman in my own right with my own thoughts and a true individual,the line i here most often from men now is “you’re so different from other women i’ve met” and that’s fantastic!!!

55

Comment by smileyes

April 21, 2006 @ 8:40 pm

Hi Amy,
I was nodding my head all along the 5-RULES! Very very true indeed…the HAPPINESS PEARLS, I’d call them 😀
Often times we forget that the key to happiness lies within us. Thank you for reminding us of the simplest things that most of us take for granted.
Though I’m still relatively young, stepping out into the real world has been teaching me some hard lessons, through them I’ve & am still learning these very lessons. To ‘forgive & forget’ for peace of mind. To give without expectation so that I’m not in for any disappointments, & at same time when something comes my way (coz I wan’t expecting anything) I end up feeling that it’s a miracle, and very thankful for it.
Which brings me to…SHOWING GRATITUDE can be added as the sixth pearl! I bet u can’t see a happy person, who isn’t ‘glad & thankful’ for what he/she has, have u?

The area I’m having problem…have realized that its one I need to work on – LETTING GO. Freeing myself from worries ain’t that easy. Not that I’m a worrywart…but sometimes things overwhelm me, dragging along past events/ unsettled issues, which makes me depressed & tearful =(

59

Comment by Gigi

April 24, 2006 @ 4:51 am

I totally feel like the minority here…I completely prefer the company of men over woman in every aspect of my life. Mostly because of the attitudes of many of the woman in this forum. Why do woman have to try so hard to please men? I just truly like men. I love the differences between us. I don’t need a man to relate to me like a woman would/could/should. There are plenty of woman for that. You have to feel it and it will show. My mother gave me a book when I was a teenager. I think it was called The Fascinating Woman or something like that. I remember most the discussion on how men love everything about women that is different from them. I feel that way about men, too.
But, taking a guy on in a serious one on one basketball game or tennis match is pretty sexy, too. (No girly squeals allowed) It seems they relate to a certain amount of in your face physical competiition. It must be the Pheramones or Endorphins or something. Sweat maybe?
Just enjoy cute boys and your days will be more fun in general. (Don’t get involved in their locker room humor…don’t be one of the guys.) I have never had GUY friends. They all want more than that….
ps I have been married 21 years to a doctor. 3 great kids. And more guys than I could imagine approach me (appropriately or not) and want to get to know me better. I am 46 and average looking. I have guys 35 (HOT) to 55 calling me now…and I never cheat on my husband. It’s just fun to be alive. 🙂

84

Comment by nelly

April 27, 2006 @ 3:10 am

thanks four the article.i will appreciaes it cos its somehow refering o me.we all have our own shortcomings.no just the men.just the way the female feel hurt that is the same way men also are hurt.if u want to be loved,u also need to love.even if there is a heartbreak,life continues becos it is a continous process.In the process of us[female]trying to keep ourselves from men,we might miss true luv.cos again thanks for the article.

88

Comment by jia

April 29, 2006 @ 6:52 pm

its kool n ur realy supporting to me spclly but i have been with a men for 3 years i made him love me care for me n now after soo long he is like ok i love u…u changed me got me out of the drugs n girls thanx anyway i care inreturn i respect his family n parents i need space wht should i do to make him marry me

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