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Letting Him Down

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

posted by amy

Back in November of last year, we solicited topics from our newsletter subscribers for a course on Advanced Techniques in Dating.  One of the surprises in the responses that poured in was that women wanted to know how to let guys down gently.

How do you tell a man you're not interested?

For men, any indication that you don't want to sleep with him is perceived as rejection … a rejection that hurts.  It is impossible to avoid.  We end up hurting men because even though we love their friendship, their company, and their spirit, we don't want to sleep with them.  No matter how much we love them in other ways, the way that matters most to them is physical.

When I was a child, I was quite a tomboy.  I was always playing with the boys.  As I grew older, I found that male companionship was much more complicated.  If you played with a boy, you were accused of "liking" him.  Hormones confused even the best male-female friendships.  By the time I reached my twenties, I found that men were capable of friendship only when they had no interest in sleeping with you.

When a man is truly interested in a woman, hearing "Let's just be friends" burns a wound in his heart.  By saying it, you want to communicate that you enjoy his company and value his friendship.  But in his ears, he hears you saying, "I don't find you sexually attractive."

When you tell a man that you love his company but want to stay friends, you are not complimenting him.  You are rejecting him.  Your words (though said in love) will make him feel self-doubt, because for him, the greatest gift he can give a woman is his sexualitynot his company.  When a woman accepts his company but rejects his sexuality, she is rejecting his essence as a man.

For a man, his sexual nature is principal part of his identity.  In fact, for many men, their sexuality is the most important part of their nature.  Being a good friend to a woman is not as satisfying as making love to her.  In fact, friendship with such a woman can be torturous because of the knowledge that he can be her friend but not sleep with her.

For his sake, let him down without using the word "friend."  Avoid saying ANYTHING like, "But I think of you as a friend" or "I really like you, but just as a friend."

Instead, when a man makes his move, try this tactic to let him down lightly.  "I'm flattered, but we're just not right for one another."  Or you might say simply, "No, but thank you for asking."  Avoid explaining the reasons behind your rejection.  He doesn't really want to know them.

Men are such wonderful creatures.  They risk rejection time and time again to ask women out.  The simple, sweet, honest ones often have the worst track record with women.  When we make it easy for them to pick up their ego after we've turned down their offer of sex, they'll keep their feeling of confidence long enough to ask another woman out.  That can only benefit all of us.

If you are feeling guilty about rejecting a man, then perhaps the following paragraph will speak to you.

"I wish that I was the right woman for all of the lovely men who have asked me out, but I wasn't.  They deserve to know that I am not the woman for them right away, so that they can continue looking for someone who WILL be right for them.  Turning down a man's genuine offer of a relationship can make me feel sad, because I value male company and companionship.  But ultimately, it is the best decision for us both."

11 Comments

5

Comment by Kathy

April 12, 2006 @ 2:41 am

Sarah, I have never read such an inspiring article or been advised on how to handle men”s offer to a sexual relationship as explained by you in this e-mail.

Keep up your great work!

Kathy

7

Comment by eva

April 12, 2006 @ 5:07 am

Sensitivity is so important, how true that you have to know how the other person thinks and how differently they’re wired to produce it at the crucial
moment. Most of us know when someone else is putting it on the line for us and try to do our best, but when
we do and say what would work for us, as women, we fail to give men what they need right then, hurt them
instead, and some other woman later on pays, the cycle
continues. This is so helpful, why did it take so long
to get this kind of advice?

14

Comment by foe

April 13, 2006 @ 6:54 pm

Very enlightening article, will not dare use the words “lets just be friends” again. Thx for the great work keep it up.

15

Comment by Delphine

April 14, 2006 @ 6:10 am

Sarah, I have been inspired by this new article.keep up the good work.Thanks for the pieces of advice.It works vey well.

17

Comment by Helen

April 15, 2006 @ 12:11 pm

thanks for the encouragement. I have use all the methods mentioned and sometimes a polite answer without an excuse is like waving a red rag at a bull, and they pursue you even more.
Thankyou again though, I feel validated from reading this article, and realize I’m not being whimpy by not justifying my choices.

Comment by Jake

August 4, 2007 @ 7:31 pm

Hey. I’m a seventeen year old boy and i read your article up there. I started off sending this girl flowers for valentines day (She’s a year younger than me) in at school. Some club was selling each for two dollars so i sent her twelve. I wrote (as a message for the card that comes with the flowers) “I have a request that you smile more often while you’re walking.” So after that she found out who i was (I didn’t put my name on the card for the flowers) and eventually talked to me. So i started saying Hi to her between classes and i waited for her in front of her class to speak to her. Then she told me one day, just out of the blue, that she got back together with her ex boyfriend. That’s when i stopped saying Hi to her and waiting for her. I didn’t think she liked me, and i didn’t want to bother. After a couple of weeks though she started showing up where i usually walk with one of her friends. I didn’t know what to believe to i started saying Hi to her again and she said Hi back and smiled. This happened until the end of the school year (June of this year). I didn’t know what to do since i graduated this year and she’s still in high school. So i messaged her on the internet. I told her everything that went through my head the entire school year and how i like her. She messaged me back saying “ur so sweet…”. She told me that the reason she told me she got back with her ex was because she wanted to see if i’d try to win her heart. After a couple of messages she gave me her number. So i started calling her every night at around 7 pm (This started about one month ago). She’s a busy girl and goes to Los Angeles almost every day to do Aztec Danza so the first week i ended up talking to her on the phone only once for about thirty minutes even though i called her everyday that week. On week two she said that she’s call me, that she didn’t know when but that she would. So i waited a week but no call. So i started calling about every other day and talked to her once (the last time which was last Thursday). This week on Monday i messaged her saying that i didn’t know when i’d be able to speak to her again, since she’s so busy, and that i just wanted to ask her a question. I asked her if she likes me. She said “I really like you but just as a friend.” What does this mean? Does she want me to try harder for her, or to just keep trying for her? Does she really mean that she just wants to be friends? Or does she want me to back off? If i asked her i don’t think she’s tell me. She’s too nice.

Comment by amy

August 6, 2007 @ 8:21 am

Jake, I wish I could say that she’s asking you to pursue her, but my gut instinct is that although she wanted you to pursue her back when you were both at school, her life has changed and she’s moved on. If a girl likes you, she’ll do everything possible to make sure that she’s home when you call. We’re even known to wait by the phone if there’s a possibility that someone we like will call us!

If you truly like this girl, then my advice to you is to take her at her word (treat her as a friend) and start making friends with and enjoying the company of other women. It’s a funny thing, but when we see a man in the company of other women who are affectionate to him, his “value” rises in our minds. Best of all, as you enjoy the company of other women, you’ll start to see that you have other options, and that other girls have much to offer you as well.

Best of luck!

Comment by Jake

August 6, 2007 @ 11:36 am

Thank you.

Comment by Jake

August 6, 2007 @ 11:44 am

But how should i be her friend? I’m not going to high school anymore so i can’t see her everyday. I also emailed her back and asked if i could still call her once in while. Should i call her once a week? Should i just message her? Someone else told me that i shouldn’t do anything at all, and that if she’s interested she’ll make some kind of a move since i already put myself out there for her. Should i not do anything at all?

Comment by amy

August 6, 2007 @ 3:55 pm

The advice you’ve already received sounds spot-on. Don’t do anything. Go ahead and live your life, just as she’s living hers. If the urge strikes you to call her, go for it. But don’t make her the sun around which your life revolves.

And you might be interested in some of these articles for men:

http://www.000relationships.com/towomen/live/articles/

Comment by Jake

August 6, 2007 @ 6:34 pm

Thank you very much.

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