Back in November of last year, we solicited topics from our newsletter subscribers for a course on Advanced Techniques in Dating. One of the surprises in the responses that poured in was that women wanted to know how to let guys down gently.
How do you tell a man you're not interested?
For men, any indication that you don't want to sleep with him is perceived as rejection … a rejection that hurts. It is impossible to avoid. We end up hurting men because even though we love their friendship, their company, and their spirit, we don't want to sleep with them. No matter how much we love them in other ways, the way that matters most to them is physical.
When I was a child, I was quite a tomboy. I was always playing with the boys. As I grew older, I found that male companionship was much more complicated. If you played with a boy, you were accused of "liking" him. Hormones confused even the best male-female friendships. By the time I reached my twenties, I found that men were capable of friendship only when they had no interest in sleeping with you.
When a man is truly interested in a woman, hearing "Let's just be friends" burns a wound in his heart. By saying it, you want to communicate that you enjoy his company and value his friendship. But in his ears, he hears you saying, "I don't find you sexually attractive."
When you tell a man that you love his company but want to stay friends, you are not complimenting him. You are rejecting him. Your words (though said in love) will make him feel self-doubt, because for him, the greatest gift he can give a woman is his sexuality—not his company. When a woman accepts his company but rejects his sexuality, she is rejecting his essence as a man.
For a man, his sexual nature is principal part of his identity. In fact, for many men, their sexuality is the most important part of their nature. Being a good friend to a woman is not as satisfying as making love to her. In fact, friendship with such a woman can be torturous because of the knowledge that he can be her friend but not sleep with her.
For his sake, let him down without using the word "friend." Avoid saying ANYTHING like, "But I think of you as a friend" or "I really like you, but just as a friend."
Instead, when a man makes his move, try this tactic to let him down lightly. "I'm flattered, but we're just not right for one another." Or you might say simply, "No, but thank you for asking." Avoid explaining the reasons behind your rejection. He doesn't really want to know them.
Men are such wonderful creatures. They risk rejection time and time again to ask women out. The simple, sweet, honest ones often have the worst track record with women. When we make it easy for them to pick up their ego after we've turned down their offer of sex, they'll keep their feeling of confidence long enough to ask another woman out. That can only benefit all of us.
If you are feeling guilty about rejecting a man, then perhaps the following paragraph will speak to you.
"I wish that I was the right woman for all of the lovely men who have asked me out, but I wasn't. They deserve to know that I am not the woman for them right away, so that they can continue looking for someone who WILL be right for them. Turning down a man's genuine offer of a relationship can make me feel sad, because I value male company and companionship. But ultimately, it is the best decision for us both."