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Day 5 -
Opening to New Possibilities
© 000Relationships.com
and Amy Waterman
If you feel that you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to be working, today’s lesson will open you to some new possibilities.
So many of us get into the attitude that nothing works, nothing is going to help, and there’s nothing we can de about it. Not unsurprisingly, our attitude keeps us from getting anywhere.
The instant that you find yourself closing off to the possibility of something wonderful happening—such as telling your friend, “No, that cute guy couldn’t possibly be looking at me,” or, “He just wants to be friends, I’m sure he’s not interested,” or, “Why bother going to the party? There won’t be anyone there”—you close yourself to the possibility of magic happening in your life.
I believe in miracles. Given the vast number of people in the world, it’s amazing that anyone finds a soulmate at all! Each time a man and a woman meet and connect, each time they place a ring on one another’s finger to express their heartfelt commitment, I think a miracle has occurred. It’s the miracle of LOVE.
Women are often criticized for being romantics. We’re unrealistic, men tell us. We expect too much, or we think men should be knights on white chargers, or we expect it to be Valentine’s Day every day. Men can’t be like that. They’re just ordinary human beings, imperfect as us.
Romance is certainly guilty of excesses, but it serves one crucial function in our lives: it gives us hope and the belief that true love is not just something that MIGHT happen … it’s our destiny.
If you’ve gotten discouraged in your attempts to find love, then let romance sweep you up and make you into a believer. You won’t find love if you don’t believe it’s out there. You won’t find love if you believe it can’t happen to you.
Switch your thinking around and discover the power of saying “yes” to possibility. Say “yes” to the thought that you might stumble upon your future husband tomorrow. Say “yes” to the thought that you’ll be married in two years. Say “yes” to the knowledge that your marriage will grow and become stronger.
Discouragement and feeling upset and frustrated at your lack of progress in the dating game is normal, but NOT helpful. Getting dejected and down about yourself will only get you further away from the life you want, not closer.
Learn to stop saying “no” to situations in your life. Don’t feel that you have to control everything or know what to do in every situation. Although it may be tempting to look for the easy solution in a book of rules on dating, following those rules won’t help you stumble upon the miracle love has promised you. All rules do is close you off, close you down, and blindly reject men or situations that could have led you to happiness.
As you learn how to open yourself to new situations, new people, and new ways of being, you start allowing everything to happen as it should. If it helps you (as it does me), you may want to believe that there is a Higher Power at work. If things don’t work out as you wish they did … if that guy that you really liked didn’t like you back, or if your marriage that you thought would last forever is starting to crumble … don’t get angry at the world. Instead, believe it is part of a larger plan. Accept the situation and ask yourself, “How can I make the best of this? What am I meant to be learning from this situation?”
With the power of courageous thinking, you can take any hardship and turn it into a disadvantage. Let’s say that you’re over forty, overweight, and have two young children. Will it be a challenge to find your perfect man? Only if you make it one.
So many women reject themselves before men even have a chance to do it. They say, “Oh, men won’t look at me,” or, “Why would a guy want to have anything to do with me? I’m nothing special.” As a result, they don’t flirt with men, they don’t amaze men with their vibrant spirits, they don’t even try. Worse yet, some women ignore or behave badly towards gorgeous men that they’re secretly attracted to, believing that since he’d reject them anyway, it doesn’t matter.
These behaviors shut down your heart and keep love from walking in.
If these ideas interest you, there’s a wonderful book on this subject called Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work by Ariel & Shya Kane. It discusses how living in the now and being fully present actually increases the chance that wonderful things will happen to you. When you learn to stop criticizing yourself, worrying about what will happen, or judging your experiences as “good” or “bad,” you allow yourself to relax and accept life as it is. As a result, you end up noticing what’s truly going on around you. You feel happier and more alive.
And, according to Marie Forleo of Make Every Man Want You (www.makeeverymanwantyou.com) mastering the ability to live in the Now will make you completely irresistible to men! There is just SOMETHING about a woman who is fully alive, fully enjoying herself, and fully in the moment that’s irresistibly attractive.
Think about it … so many of us worry our way through interactions with men. We’re so focused on what we’re doing right and what we’re doing wrong that we get lost in our own heads. We stop paying attention to HIM because we’re so busy criticizing OURSELVES.
Yet if you let things happen as they happen and BELIEVE that everything will turn out as it was meant to, you stop putting pressure on yourself. You no longer have to be the most beautiful, most accomplished, and wittiest woman at the party. You can just be YOUSELF. And guess what? Being YOU is the thing that you’re best at! No one can be better at it than you.
Mastering these ideas will help you put into practice the concept behind Greg Behrendt’s book, He’s Just Not That Into You. Greg, former consultant to Sex and the City, tells us that when a man isn’t calling us, isn’t asking us out on a date, isn’t sleeping with us, or isn’t wanting to marry us, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO US and we should move on.
Greg’s book is a great antidote to the feeling that if we just tried harder, did better, were thinner, prettier, or better in bed, he’d fall in love with us. If you try to be someone you’re not for a man, in order to make him fall in love with you, then the person he’s falling in love with isn’t you – it’s the person you’re pretending to be.
You deserve a man who feels passionate about YOU and who loves you for the very same reasons you love yourself. If your charity work is an important part of who you are, then any man you partner with should appreciate that facet of your character. If you love your luscious curves and adorn your body with flowing dresses and scarves, then any man you date should love the way you celebrate your body.
Allowing yourself to just be YOU can be very difficult, however. Most of us have ideas about how we’re supposed to act on a date. We have ideas about how we should treat our partner. We have ideas about what a good woman is, what a good girlfriend is, and what a good wife is.
Often, all these ideas get mixed up in our heads and can actually make us do the opposite of what our intention was! Instead of being “the proper girlfriend,” we end up acting like an imitation of an idea. Our boyfriend, who fell in love with us for who we were, now feels confused; he thought he was committing to the girl he knew, but this new “girlfriend” is someone different. He’s not so sure he likes her.
I’ve heard men complain that on the first date, a woman was wonderful: witty, intelligent, and captivating. But by the second and third date, her personality changed. She became more critical, stand-offish, and less spontaneous. “I felt cheated,” one man said. “I really thought I was on to a winner. Maybe she was just trying to put on a good face for the first date, and the woman I saw on the later dates was the real one.”
It’s dangerous to change your personality for a man. You may not even realize you’re doing it. You may naturally get softer around a timid man, or become more exuberant around an expressive man. But over time, your natural personality will shine through. If he fell in love with the quiet you, for example, and three dates later you find yourself returning to your naturally loud, excitable self, he may stop calling and not explain why. It’s because you weren’t the woman he thought you were.
And guess what? THAT’S NOT BAD! In fact, it’s great! It means that you weren’t suited to one another, and it’s better that you found out now than later. Knowing that you and a man are not suited to one another is valuable information.
Often, we tend to feel embarrassed of dates or relationships that don’t work out. Some women are embarrassed to admit how many first dates they’ve been on that haven’t led to second dates. Other women are embarrassed to admit how short their relationships tend to be.
Yet other women, myself included, are happy to admit that they’ve experienced a variety of relationships and dating situations, all of which were different, all of which were fertile ground for practicing relationship skills and learning more about themselves.
NO EXPERIENCE IS WASTED. Even if you go out on one date with a man and he never calls again, you’ve learned something important: he’s not your type.
Don’t believe that you have to snare every attractive man that passes your way. The happiest women are not the ones who’ve attracted the MOST men; they’re the ones who attracted just one man – THE RIGHT ONE.
When a relationship doesn’t work out, don’t take it to heart. Learn from it, feel happy that you know now that you weren’t suited for one another, and embrace the experience.
You may think that this sounds simple in concept but impossible in practice. It IS hard. In fact, it’s EXTREMELY hard. But if you are going to master the dating game, you have to change your notion of what it means to win.
Winning does not always mean “getting the guy.” Sometimes, winning means becoming single again so that you can find the RIGHT guy.
Breakups are one of the hardest challenges we have to face as women. What makes them worse is the social stigma attached to a breakup. It can feel embarrassing to tell people that you are no longer together.
But it’s OKAY to be rejected. It’s OKAY to get dumped. It’s OKAY to get divorced.
Being rejected, dumped, or divorced does not mean that you’re a bad person. All it means is that you and the person you were with were not suitable for one another. No blame, no criticism. Just a simple mismatch.
You may feel that he made a horrible mistake in rejecting you, that you were meant to be together, and that life will be unbearable without him … but guess what? There are NO MISTAKES in love. Try to have faith that everything is working out as it should. Try to believe that you are MEANT to be single at this moment so that you can be available for the man that was meant for you … a man who would have ignored you if you’d already been in a relationship.
Being able to master positive thinking even when in the depths of a difficult situation will not just help you with relationships. It is a skill that will help you with life.
EXERCISE – Acceptance
Think about your last relationship and answer the following questions.
1. What was your reaction when you broke up?
2. What was his reaction when you broke up?
3. How did you explain the reason for your breakup to your friends?
4. Do you think that was the real reason?
5. What did you learn from the experience?
6. Answer question 5 again, but this time, if you didn’t already, frame it in terms of what you have learned about yourself personally. In other words, you don’t want to say something like, “I learned what jerks men are and not to trust them,” but rather something like, “I learned that I have difficulty expressing my anger in a constructive way towards my partner.”
7. When you think about your ex now, what emotions come to mind?
Breaking up properly is hard to do, and many of us have lingering emotions and ill feelings remaining from past breakups. Even when we’ve moved on with our lives, we may find that we’ve never completely forgiven our ex or accepted that the breakup was actually for the best. One crucial goal for all of us is to come to terms with and accept what happened in previous relationships. Until you understand and accept the past, it will continue to haunt your future relationships.
Got a Question of Your Own?
I’ll see you tomorrow with the final part of my 6-Day Course, when I’ll teach you how to become a new “YOU."
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About "How to Be Irresistible to Men"
"How to Be Irresistible to Men" has been teaching women the way to greater success in love (and life!) for seven years. It is part of the 000Relationships Network, the leader in downloadable dating & relationship products! My customers love the information they get from the "How To Be Irresistible To Men" program, a comprehensive collection of attraction resources that includes my Premium Course, comprehensive supporting workbook, audio series, original e-book, numerous bonus books, and members-only email consultation.
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