My fiancee suggested I read a book called "Boundaries Before Marriage". Since all the books she recommends tend to be romance novels or relationship builders, I was immediately skeptical. I mean, the last book she hyped was a love story taking place in the Gold Rush days. So just seeing the title of this latest one was enough to make me roll my eyes.
But believe it or not, it actually has some pretty classy advice that every man should take into heart. I particularly like the introduction, where it gives seven reasons why dating is actually a good thing for all of us. Some of the reasons include "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context", "Dating provides a context to work through issues", and "Dating can heal and repair". All very valid arguments for us to continue dating, rather than avoiding what is, for many, a very painful experience.
I mean, yeah, I’ve had some harsh breakups, and girls I wish I could have continued seeing. There was even a time when *I* didn’t want to date anyone. But I realized, through reading "Boundaries Before Marriage", that when one views the whole dating thing as a JOURNEY, instead of a collection of regrets and sorrows, everything makes a lot more sense. I no longer looked at my dating past in terms of memories purely positive and purely negative. Instead, I suddenly saw it all as an incredible journey, a road full of personal developments, all winding towards the ultimate destination of finding "The One".
When viewed like that, I don’t have a single regret. There are good times, there are bad times. But at the end of the dating journey (i.e., marriage), what’s most important is how we’ve changed, how we adapt to the various potholes along the way, to get where we want to go.
We should view past experiences as an opportunity to develop, a journey into ourselves. For me, one of the hardest things was "the girl who got away". I really liked this one Aussie girl I met four years back, and essentially chased her back to Australia. It didn’t work out, and we completely lost touch. I COULD just look at the experience in totally negative terms; I mean, this girl I adored didn’t feel the same way about me, and I travelled halfway around the world only to get my heart crushed.
But wait: there’s a silver lining in this grey cloud. This was just one step in the road towards being with the girl I was meant for. I turned out to love Australia, and came back a year later to study at the University of Wollongong. I made some good friends I still stay in touch with, and also met an Asian girl I liked quite a lot. I even thought for a time that she was "The One". I really enjoyed being with Tissa, but at the same time, I felt something pulling me back to New York. I wasn’t used to being away from "The Big Apple" for so long, and missed it a lot. When the semester ended, I had a choice to make: make lots of money back in New York, or continue living in Australia, no job at hand, but with a girl I thought I loved.
In the end, something lured me back to New York. I just had to get back there. Naturally, Tissa was heartbroken. How could I do this to her? I had promised I loved her! Viewed in terms of the experience all by itself, it was a pretty bad time. It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I had actually done the wrong thing.
But viewed as just another checkpoint in my life’s journey, it was the best thing for both of us. I got New York out of my system, and while in the Big Apple, met an incredible girl. A girl who would become my wife. Not only that, but Tissa grew as a person; it actually turned out that we were quite different to each other, and definitely not made for each other. Now SHE’S living life to the fullest with someone she cares about. Funny how life works, isn’t it?
None of this was obvious at the time, of course; it took time to discover. Pain is a natural part of life, and sometimes you just can’t avoid it. But when viewed as part of the bigger picture, there are benefits to our painful experiences: By getting New York out of my system, I had no problem moving to New Zealand to be with my fiancee. I no longer felt like I had to be in New York, so I wasn’t going to run away again. And the other girls I was attracted to, have progressed in their life’s journeys, as well. One of them is happily married.
My journey towards love had some strange detours along the way. But in the end, the most important thing in the journey that is dating is not to look at where you turned off The Road. It’s to see how you got back on it.