Many of us have no clue what a man wants in a relationship. If we're cynical, we may think he just wants sex, someone to keep him from feeling alone, or the status of having a girlfriend. If we're romantic, we may think that he wants love, a life companion, and a mother for his children.
And if we look into our own hearts, into the many complex reasons we want a man in our lives, we often find a little bit of all of the above. The proportions may be different, but none of us can deny that the benefits of a relationship include companionship, intimacy, a change in status from "single" to "couple," love, partnership, and a shared future.
But what most of us don't know is how important relationships actually are for men. According to the National Marriage Project [1] (supported by Rutgers University), marriage transforms men's lives in positive, healthy ways. Married men are more productive, earn more money, get sick less, think more about the future, are happier, and even have better sex lives. According to sociologist Steven Nock, marriage is also a rite of passage from boy to man.
The National Marriage Project 2004 study on "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why [2]" reveals that the type of man most likely to look forward to a future of marital bliss is religious, has grown up in a family with both parents, and feels it's time to settle down. Surprisingly, most men (more than two out of three) do not believe that the purpose of marriage is having children.
Most of these men are married for the first time by the time they're thirty. Which brings us to the second group that the study examined: the non-marrying kind (22% of those surveyed). These are men who believe that marriage is not for them: they are significantly more likely to distrust women, fear losing their personal freedom, focus on the high divorce rate and bad marriages, and not want children. The study suggests that the notion of the thirty-something bachelor who's finally getting ready to settle down after sowing his wild oats is, in fact, a myth. Many thirty-something single men are undecided or even opposed to the idea of getting married anytime soon.
Therefore, if you're seeking a partner with long-term potential, here are 3 things you should look out for:
- He speaks positively of marriage or other people's marriages. If, on the other hand, he often predicts that a trouble marriage will end in divorce or points out the disadvantages and troubles in other people's marriages, then he may not hold a positive enough belief in marriage to want to make that commitment himself.
- He trusts women in general. Men who've had positive, healthy relationships with other women (such as his mother, sisters, female friends, co-workers) have often developed the skills needed to build and maintain a relationship with a partner. These men have a greater understanding of women, or at least have come to peace with gender differences, and are less likely to see women as the enemy.
- He's passed the stage in life where "fun and freedom" were his main focus. Even though most men will admit that their freedom is important to them, a man who's settling into the stage in his life where he can think about marriage will find that other goals appeal to him. He may think more about finding a soulmate. He may be more interested in building something lasting, such as a career, a house, or public service. If, on the other hand, he often jokes about the "ball and chain" of marriage and urges friends to treasure their freedom above a woman, he may not be the marrying kind.
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