I immediately get suspicious when someone tells me that their partner is perfect. Knowing what I do about the relationship life cycle, I assume that the couple is still in their honeymoon stage. They're infatuated with their idealized vision of one another. They believe that none of the conflicts that happen to other people will happen to them. Unlike others, they will never fall out of love, never argue, never break up…
It is a beautiful innocence, when a relationship starts. It can feel like all of the dark burden of the past has been erased. You're starting over with someone who isn't anything like your ex. You've learned your lesson, so you aren't going to make the same mistakes. This time, everything is going to go right.
Except, of course … it doesn't.
And it won't. That's simply how relationships work.
Understanding this concept can save so much grief in relationships. That's why I discuss it at length in the 2006 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men [1]."
But the one idea that you can take away right now is that discovering imperfection in your partner is actually a wonderful thing.
It means he's real.
It means you see the person beneath the boyfriend … the person he is rather than the person you want him to be.
So when a relationship isn't quite perfect, it can mean one of two things:
- It can mean that you're moving onto the next level in your relationship, when you're starting to see one another more realistically and are able to evaluate more clearly whether or not the relationship has staying power.
- It can mean that intuition is telling you that something needs to change. That something could be as simple as getting something out into the open (communication) or as extensive as rethinking your lifestyle.
When you get dissatisfied with a relationship, the immediate instinct is to blame him or to blame yourself. Maybe you've been busy and stressed; maybe he's said some insensitive things.
But when you blame one another for a less than satisfying relationship, you don't add any positive energy back into the situation. Nothing will get better because you've figured out whose fault it is.
The other instinct is to guess what he's thinking, wanting, or needing. I always strongly counsel against trying to read your partner's mind. Ask him. Directly.
Then ask yourself, "What needs do I have that aren't getting fulfilled?" Chances are that you feel something is lacking that you need to feel happy. You know your own needs better than anyone.
That's the fantastic thing about feeling that a relationship isn't quite perfect. It's a wake-up call. It's telling you to be honest with yourself. It spurs honest communication between the two of you.
If you can take positive action, you'll grow through the experience into a richer and more satisfying relationship (or take the steps to end an unhealthy situation). If you get caught up in blame or feeling depressed, you'll find that your relationships always seem to take a nose dive at the first sign of imperfection.
You have the power to change a less than perfect relationship into something that fulfills you or to leave it. Never forget it.