Don't Want to Be That "Needy" Woman? Get These Great Dating Tips!
Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on!
I know that you’ve heard it before. Every relationship book out there will tell you the same thing. “Don’t be needy.” “Men don’t like needy women.” “Whatever you do, don’t appear desperate.”
You’re heard it time and time again, you know it’s true, but does anyone actually tell you how to do it?
Maybe you’ve tried to get over it by starting a new hobby, focusing on your career, scheduling regular nights out with the girls … but inside your heart you can still feel it.
That aching emptiness.
That longing to be kissed and held and loved.
That dreaded need for a man.
You can pour as many activities as you want into your day, but the only result will be that you escape from your own feelings.
Are You Drowning Out Your Neediness?
My friend Janet boasts that she doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t have time for one anyway. She’s the epitome of the successful, independent woman. She believes that the cure for neediness is “to fill up your life with meaningful activities.”
But when Janet doesn’t have anything to do – when she’s on vacation or has a weekend free – she falls apart. She can’t handle being alone with nothing to do.
That’s when the truth is revealed: the only reason that she can say that she doesn’t need a man is because she’s too busy to think about it.
It’s true that keeping yourself busy can be a useful stopgap measure to tide yourself over until you’re more emotionally in control, but it’s harmful over the long-term.
Keeping yourself so busy that you don’t have time to think about the lack of a man in your life is NOT a cure for neediness. It’s simply the perfect way to ensure that there will NEVER be any room in your life for a relationship.
Where Does Neediness Come From?
According to psychiatrist Mark Epstein, author of Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, one of the biggest reasons that his patients came to him was that they felt a sense of emptiness in their lives. Although these individuals may have led accomplished lives with strong social bonds and a high degree of self-confidence, they still felt a hollowness inside that nothing could fill.
"Neediness" is a bigger issue than folk wisdom suggests. Although friends or family members may tell you to "get over it" and develop your own life so that you don't depend on someone else so much, that answer is actually counterproductive.
What they're suggesting is that independence, a strong self-esteem, and a practical hardiness will keep you from feeling emotionally needy. They're wrong.
All that this advice will do is suppress your emotional needs so that you don't feel them. Or, if you do happen to feel emotionally needy, you'll feel guilty and horrified at yourself. You'll feel that you should be "better than that."
We all have emotional needs. And one of the reasons that we're attracted to the men we are is that we carry the hope of him fulfilling them.
If you're interested in psychology, you might find this theory on neediness familiar. According to Dr. Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, your "neediness" originated in childhood, when you were completely vulnerable and dependent on your parents to provide your every want. Even though your parents tried to satisfy your needs as best they could, they were unable to do everything. You grew into adulthood with unsatisfied childhood needs, until one day you met him ... the man to whom you were so attracted that you couldn't live without him. Beneath the obvious points of attraction, Hendrix believes, what your subconscious self saw in him was the potential of resolving the hurt that you'd carried with you for so long.
Whether or not you believe Hendrix's theory, the fact remains that we all have deep emotional needs that we hope our partner will fulfill. As a result, understanding and making peace with your emotional needs is a better solution than denying you have them.
How Can I Stop Neediness from Affecting My Relationships?
Having emotional needs is a bit different from displaying "neediness." A "needy" woman is excessive with her needs: she can't be alone, she needs her partner's permission to do anything, and she gets highly upset when her partner isn't able to give her the emotional intimacy that she craves.
Here's a short summary of one way in which you can ensure that your needs don't end up becoming "neediness" in a relationship.
The first step is to break the deep fear that's associated with not getting your need fulfilled.
For example, let's say that you go everywhere with your partner because you can't bear to be alone. All you know is that you find safe when you're with him, and when you're alone your heart starts to beat faster and you panic. What are you afraid of happening to you? What is it about being alone that terrifies you so much?
You should know by now that the best way to get over the fear of anything is to stop running from it, turn around, and look at it squarely. You must do the same thing with your emotional needs.
Consider involving a partner, family member, or counselor. Often others can see us better than we see ourselves. Even better, they can offer us the support needed to be able to acknowledge our needs to ourselves without shame or embarrassment.
The second step is to be able to accept the fact that your needs may not end up getting fulfilled.
Just as we must learn to accept that we live in an imperfect world, so must we learn to accept that it's okay if, say, we feel the need for intimacy that our partner can't give us at the moment. We don't have to act out when we don't get it.
Mark Epstein teaches us to be okay with our sense of being empty or hollow inside by reinterpreting it from a Buddhist framework, in which "emptiness" is not something to get rid of, but rather a fruitful, spiritually creative space.
Similarly, it's not always bad to feel needy: perhaps your neediness is actually a valuable message prompting you to reach out and connect with someone.
But as long as you avoid looking too closely at your needs, you will continue to display "neediness" in more and more obtrusive ways.
And if you think that you have no emotional needs, then you're not simply an independent woman who's achieved an admirable level of self-sufficiency. Rather, you're deceiving yourself.
Too many wonderful women bury their needs in order to serve those around them or as a knee-jerk reaction to being let down too many times.
I promise you that getting reacquainted with your emotional needs won't turn you into a needy woman. It will simply allow you to be honest with yourself and display that most beautiful of all characteristics - vulnerability - to those you love.
Today I've delved a bit deeper into the psychology underlying love and relationships. If you are interested in how beliefs (such as the belief that being needy is bad) affect your relationships, then you're ready for my Premium Course. It teaches you how you create your relationships through the expectations, beliefs, and assumptions you hold about yourself and men. Change one tiny belief ... and you can change your whole reality.
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